Look, I know that I promised that these 'Relationship' posts would end mercifully with the whole 'guy/girls/ex's as friends' thing a couple of weeks back. But screw it, I thought of another one, so I'm going to keep going. If you don't like it, well, it's too late now. You've already read this far, and that counts as a plus one on my view counter. And really, that's all you chumps are good for in my mind anyways.
No. Wait. Come back. I'm only kidding. I actually love and appreciate each and every one of you chumps. I just hope you love and appreciate another post about relationships, because well, that's all I've got to offer.
This week I'm going to talk about juggling multiple relationships at the same time. Which of course means that we've re-entered a realm of pure fantasy. One rooted strictly in theory and philosophy and my own half-baked opinions. The very notion that I might juggle multiple ladies at the same time is laughable at best; I can't even get one girl to give me the time of day, let alone several. But I still have an opinion on it. And if I can't give my opinion here, where can I, dammit?
Now, let me start by saying that this is a very different situation than the whole 'cheating' discussion from a few weeks back. Well, maybe not 'very different' but different enough. Cheating is when you know you're in a relationship with someone, yet choose to pursue other relationships anyways. In this case, I'm referring more to that sticky little stretch of time when you've met someone new, maybe gone on a few dates, but aren't yet officially 'dating' each other. And the thing that makes it such an odd and confusing time, is that for each and every person it's completely different when exactly it is that you officially become a couple.
Some people (myself included) just make the assumption. Like, "look, we've been on five dates, we've made out a few times, I know what her left boob feels like, and God willing, I'll be able to say the same about the right one soon enough. If that doesn't make us a couple, I don't know what does." Whereas other people need to be asked, or at the very least have a discussion about it, before they'll even consider putting such a label on their relationship.
It's such a mixed bag and can be so arbitrary that very few people make it through life without thinking to themselves at least once: "Um… did she just ask if we wanted to be exclusive? I thought we already were. Does this mean she hasn't been exclusive up until now…?" Or, "did he just change his Facebook status to 'in a relationship' with me? We went to one movie together, and I don't even like the guy!" The whole situation is ripe for potential misunderstandings and even heart break. And it's all because each and every one of us has a slightly different idea of when the relation becomes official and exclusive.
And that's what this topic is all about. That word 'exclusive'. Because without it, there's a ton of room for interpretation. And when you give a douchey guy an inch of leeway to make his own interpretations, he'll take a mile. Because of this, despite leaning towards not needing to actually to have the conversation myself (sure assumptions leave room for misinterpretation, but I still believe that when you know, you know), I fully and completely understand why some people need to actually be asked before they'll even consider themselves to be 'off the market'. No matter how 'on tonight's very special episode of 1950's high school' it feels like to have to ask your best gal to go steady with you.
But before that happens, there's always that stretch of time when you're seeing each other, but you aren't officially 'seeing each other'. It's during this period of time that some people think that there's nothing wrong with juggling a few different relationships at once. And look, I do sort of understand the logic that these people use to try and justify it. "We just started seeing each other. I don't know if I even like this person yet. Why should I turn down other opportunities until I know for sure?" Which is fine. If you've got a few people that you're interested in, and you really can't make up your mind between them, then maybe you do have to play the field a bit. And maybe the time that you're seeing one person is going to overlap with the time that you're seeing another. It's not like either relationship has gotten serious yet, right?
Well, technically, sure. But I'm not a huge fan of it. Maybe that's just because I'm jealous of the mere notion that some people exist in a world where they could have more than one person interested in them at the same time. That said, on the off chance the situation did arise, I still don't think that I'd try to juggle more than one lady at once. For me, if there's two girls that I'm interested in, there's always one that I'm more interested in. Always. It might not be by much, but there is always a preference. And still trying to date both ladies in spite of this awareness just feels a little too selfish to me. Really, you're just hedging your bets. If the one girl doesn't fall for your charms on the first few dates, you can always fall back on the other one, rather than having to start from scratch, or even risk losing her to another dude. Some guys love having that safety blanket, but really, keeping her on the hook 'just in case' doesn't really sound like the actions of a stand up guy, does it?
It's all about a person's true intentions. "I'm keeping her around 'just in case'" and "I honestly can't decide until I've gone out with both of them" are two very different things. The problem is that no one knows what a person's true intentions are but them. And far too many people like to use this little technicality to their advantage. Unless you can prove it - and nobody can - then whose to say what a person's intentions are? This gives that person carte blanche to act like they're all offended and insulted that you would even have the nerve to claim to know what's going on inside their head. I mean, who do you think you are? When really, they're just trying to guilt you into second guessing yourself. At the end of the day, you really don't know what's going on inside of their head, however obvious it might seem. And until you can provide some allusive and impossible proof to the contrary, they will always 'win' the argument.
For example, let's say that a dude knows deep down that the girl he's been out with a few times thinks that they're 'going out'. But because it hasn't been agreed on verbally - it was so obvious, and the girl didn't want to seem clingy by having an unnecessary conversation about it - then technically it's still open season for him to juggle multiple ladies. And until they actually have that conversation, she can't prove that he obviously already knew that they were a couple. He gets to play the 'ignorance' card, because no one can prove that he wasn't ignorant. "Hey, we never agreed that we were dating, it's your own fault for making assumptions." But really, that's not a case of poor communication leading to a misunderstanding. It's just a dude that wants an excuse to keep multiple ladies on the hook at the same time, and is too self-absorbed to care that he's only 'winning' the confrontations that arise from it on a technicality. For some people, all that matters is that they're technically right. It doesn't matter why they're right, just that they are. Even if every single other person that looked at the situation would say otherwise.
Basically what I'm saying is this: Do what's right, not just what you know you can get away with. We all know what's right and what's wrong. Too many of us choose to ignore this basic gut instinct because we can always claim ignorance. Somehow it's not wrong, so long as a person can get away with it. People are too concerned with being able to defend their actions to other people, and not nearly concerned enough with having to defend their actions to themselves. And this doesn't just apply to relationships and dating. It's just a shitty way to live your life. If you've had three beers and feel a little light headed, call a cab. Sure, technically you probably won't blow over, but you know that you probably shouldn't be driving. Then, another time, the three beers might not hit you as hard, and you honestly are fine to drive, so you can. The only difference between both situations is your own common sense, not some technicality. The same goes for juggling girls before you're officially 'dating' any of them. You know if you're just doing it to stroke your ego, or because you like having multiple gals on the hook, just like you know if you need a couple dates with each girl before you can make an honest decision between the two of them.
Sorry, I know I said that this post would be 'about juggling multiple girls at the same time', so if you came here for a handy guide on how to do so, you're probably pretty disappointed right now. But if that's the case, then you're also probably a complete douche. As such, I'm perfectly happy to have wasted the valuable time that you could have spent polishing the chrome bull testicles that hang from the back of your jacked up truck with the Calvin-pissing-on-another-truck's-logo sticker stuck on the back window. Don't worry, we all think it's as bad-ass as you do... honest.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Travis Tackles Relationships VI
I'm torn about something. You see, in terms of relationships, I've long be a huge believer that "they either like you, or they don't". Meaning, if they're into you, it's pretty hard for you to screw it up. They might play a little hard to get, maybe make you jump through a few hoops, but really, your margin for error is pretty wide. You can say the wrong thing - even do the wrong thing - but you'll still be hard pressed to change a girl that is into you, into one that is not. In fact, based on some of the horror stories that I've heard of first or second dates - where I couldn't believe that afterwards the girl was even still talking to the guy, let alone that she was actually still smitten with him - I've almost come to believe that if a girl likes you, you'd almost have to be actively trying to turn her off in order to actually do so.
On the other end of the spectrum, if she's doesn't like you, no matter how much time and energy and effort you put into it, you're just not going to win a girl over. Not truly. You might get a date or two, maybe even get to see her naked, but in the end, she hasn't really been 'won over' so much as she simply 'gave in'. And this is hard for most guys to accept. Society has sort of built us these weird expectations - almost a sense of entitlement - where a guy believes that if you work hard enough at something, you deserve it. If you put your time in - if you try really hard - eventually a girl will have to like you. It's only fair, right? But that's just not true. If she's not into you, she's not into you. Fair or not, there just isn't a whole lot that can be done to change that.
Look, you can tell when someone likes you. If you can't, you're just not paying attention. The problem is, a lot of guys mistake getting no signals at all for her not having made her mind up yet. When in reality, no signals almost always means no interest. Sure, some girls make it clear right away that they have no interest (this is when most insecure guys start tossing around the term 'bitch') but most girls just give you nothing at all. It's their way of being polite. Us dudes have pretty fragile egos, and at the end of the day, if every girl we met let us know right away that they weren't interested, we'd all be on prozac by the age of fifteen. By the time we were forty, we wouldn't even be able to leave the house. Every one of us would just be a weeping mess, huddled in the basement, paralyzed by the realization of just how many women have absolutely no interest in us on a day-to-day basis. Ignorance is bliss. But ignorance also breeds naivety, and that's why so many guys mistake a girl that gives them no signals as an invitation to try and win her over.
I don't have much of an ego, and as such, I've never really been one to bother when a girl has shown no interest. It has always just seemed like a fruitless endeavour to me. I mean, what's going to happen? I'll show you that I'm not such a bad dude, that I can crack a few jokes, get a few laughs, treat you with respect and pick up the cheque at the end of a meal? None of that really changes the fact that you're not into me. Sure, you want those qualities in a guy - every girl does - but those qualities alone can't make up for an inherent lack of interest. And a girl fooled into trying to think otherwise is just settling at best. And I don't want to be 'settled for'.
The philosophy is simple: why would I want to be with someone that doesn't really want to be with me? I'm sure I could wear down a girl over time. I'm sure I could convince one that I'm worthy of a date or two. Heck, I could even guilt someone into thinking they're shallow for not being willing to date a guy like me, when they claim to only want a nice guy at the end of the day. All of these strategies have worked for countless guys on countless girls for countless years. Yet I just can't get past the whole 'a girl shouldn't need to be convinced/tricked/guilted/worn down' philosophy. Sure, it's resulted in a lot less dating for me than most other guys. And, yes, I'm very aware of that. I'm also aware that if I'd just relax my stance on it a bit, I'd have a lot more success. Especially in the short term. But that's just not me. Sure. it's lead to some pretty lonely nights over the years, but at the end of the day, I've made my decision, and I accept the consequences.
Why then, am I so torn? What could have possibly changed to make me question the philosophy that I have lived by for pretty much my entire life?
Well, the exception to the rule, of course.
Over the past couple of years, I have seen enough cases of girls who initially had no interest in a guy, be worn down and eventually won over, to the point where I'll be attending the wedding of one this summer, and have had to watch another try and heal her broken heart after the relationship fell apart. Maybe I'm wrong - maybe I misread the path it took to get there - but in both cases I was given the distinct impression that neither girl was that into the guy to begin with. And seeing as how both relationships saw the girls both fall legitimately in love, maybe my whole philosophy is completely misguided.
Can a woman be won over? Or were these just a few of the rare cases in which the guy had so many good qualities, but they were hidden far enough beneath the surface, that it was less a 'wearing down' and more of a 'once you got to know me…' situation.
I don't know. I'd like to think that I would be a prime candidate to win a girl over with the whole 'once you got to know me…' thing. But obviously that can never happen if I shut down at the first sign that there's no interest. That said, there's been ladies that have 'got to know me' over the years, that have still never wavered in their complete lack of romantic interest. In a lot of cases, that's been just fine, and even preferable (see: the last few posts on 'Guy/Girl Friendships'). But I'll admit, sometimes I think to myself "man, this girl knows me, and has still never shown any sign of interest…" And while that's a good thing - I mean, I wouldn't want them to be interested, seeing as how in most cases I'm not interested back, and would hate to deal with the fallout and awkwardness that such feelings on their part would create - by the same token, it doesn't exactly have me brimming with confidence when dealing with ladies that I am interested in either.
In fact, sheepishly, I will admit, my ego sometimes gets a little bruised by it. I mean, I'd like to think that I'm a good dude. So, if any woman can be worn down, shouldn't I have inadvertently done so by now to a few of my female friends? Again, I'm glad I haven't, but still, seeing as how it's never happened, I sometimes wonder if maybe I'm not such a good dude after all. I mean, I know I'm not great. But I've always assumed that I was at least a little bit good.
But maybe everyone assumes that - even the complete assholes. They might be completely wrong, but I'm sure on some level they must think they're decent people, right? Even if they know that they're a dick some of the time, they wouldn't be able to live with themselves unless they thought the good outweighed the bad. So, maybe I'm not as good a dude as I like to think I am. Maybe I'm just another asshole whose ego is so big that he assumes that he's a good guy.
Or maybe, in the end, it's just as simple as: they're either into you, or they're not.
On the other end of the spectrum, if she's doesn't like you, no matter how much time and energy and effort you put into it, you're just not going to win a girl over. Not truly. You might get a date or two, maybe even get to see her naked, but in the end, she hasn't really been 'won over' so much as she simply 'gave in'. And this is hard for most guys to accept. Society has sort of built us these weird expectations - almost a sense of entitlement - where a guy believes that if you work hard enough at something, you deserve it. If you put your time in - if you try really hard - eventually a girl will have to like you. It's only fair, right? But that's just not true. If she's not into you, she's not into you. Fair or not, there just isn't a whole lot that can be done to change that.
Look, you can tell when someone likes you. If you can't, you're just not paying attention. The problem is, a lot of guys mistake getting no signals at all for her not having made her mind up yet. When in reality, no signals almost always means no interest. Sure, some girls make it clear right away that they have no interest (this is when most insecure guys start tossing around the term 'bitch') but most girls just give you nothing at all. It's their way of being polite. Us dudes have pretty fragile egos, and at the end of the day, if every girl we met let us know right away that they weren't interested, we'd all be on prozac by the age of fifteen. By the time we were forty, we wouldn't even be able to leave the house. Every one of us would just be a weeping mess, huddled in the basement, paralyzed by the realization of just how many women have absolutely no interest in us on a day-to-day basis. Ignorance is bliss. But ignorance also breeds naivety, and that's why so many guys mistake a girl that gives them no signals as an invitation to try and win her over.
I don't have much of an ego, and as such, I've never really been one to bother when a girl has shown no interest. It has always just seemed like a fruitless endeavour to me. I mean, what's going to happen? I'll show you that I'm not such a bad dude, that I can crack a few jokes, get a few laughs, treat you with respect and pick up the cheque at the end of a meal? None of that really changes the fact that you're not into me. Sure, you want those qualities in a guy - every girl does - but those qualities alone can't make up for an inherent lack of interest. And a girl fooled into trying to think otherwise is just settling at best. And I don't want to be 'settled for'.
The philosophy is simple: why would I want to be with someone that doesn't really want to be with me? I'm sure I could wear down a girl over time. I'm sure I could convince one that I'm worthy of a date or two. Heck, I could even guilt someone into thinking they're shallow for not being willing to date a guy like me, when they claim to only want a nice guy at the end of the day. All of these strategies have worked for countless guys on countless girls for countless years. Yet I just can't get past the whole 'a girl shouldn't need to be convinced/tricked/guilted/worn down' philosophy. Sure, it's resulted in a lot less dating for me than most other guys. And, yes, I'm very aware of that. I'm also aware that if I'd just relax my stance on it a bit, I'd have a lot more success. Especially in the short term. But that's just not me. Sure. it's lead to some pretty lonely nights over the years, but at the end of the day, I've made my decision, and I accept the consequences.
Why then, am I so torn? What could have possibly changed to make me question the philosophy that I have lived by for pretty much my entire life?
Well, the exception to the rule, of course.
Over the past couple of years, I have seen enough cases of girls who initially had no interest in a guy, be worn down and eventually won over, to the point where I'll be attending the wedding of one this summer, and have had to watch another try and heal her broken heart after the relationship fell apart. Maybe I'm wrong - maybe I misread the path it took to get there - but in both cases I was given the distinct impression that neither girl was that into the guy to begin with. And seeing as how both relationships saw the girls both fall legitimately in love, maybe my whole philosophy is completely misguided.
Can a woman be won over? Or were these just a few of the rare cases in which the guy had so many good qualities, but they were hidden far enough beneath the surface, that it was less a 'wearing down' and more of a 'once you got to know me…' situation.
I don't know. I'd like to think that I would be a prime candidate to win a girl over with the whole 'once you got to know me…' thing. But obviously that can never happen if I shut down at the first sign that there's no interest. That said, there's been ladies that have 'got to know me' over the years, that have still never wavered in their complete lack of romantic interest. In a lot of cases, that's been just fine, and even preferable (see: the last few posts on 'Guy/Girl Friendships'). But I'll admit, sometimes I think to myself "man, this girl knows me, and has still never shown any sign of interest…" And while that's a good thing - I mean, I wouldn't want them to be interested, seeing as how in most cases I'm not interested back, and would hate to deal with the fallout and awkwardness that such feelings on their part would create - by the same token, it doesn't exactly have me brimming with confidence when dealing with ladies that I am interested in either.
In fact, sheepishly, I will admit, my ego sometimes gets a little bruised by it. I mean, I'd like to think that I'm a good dude. So, if any woman can be worn down, shouldn't I have inadvertently done so by now to a few of my female friends? Again, I'm glad I haven't, but still, seeing as how it's never happened, I sometimes wonder if maybe I'm not such a good dude after all. I mean, I know I'm not great. But I've always assumed that I was at least a little bit good.
But maybe everyone assumes that - even the complete assholes. They might be completely wrong, but I'm sure on some level they must think they're decent people, right? Even if they know that they're a dick some of the time, they wouldn't be able to live with themselves unless they thought the good outweighed the bad. So, maybe I'm not as good a dude as I like to think I am. Maybe I'm just another asshole whose ego is so big that he assumes that he's a good guy.
Or maybe, in the end, it's just as simple as: they're either into you, or they're not.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
