Top 10 Schwarzenegger Movies (#1)

The Terminator
Character: The Terminator
Year: 1984

Let's face it, the sequel is never better than the original.  Bigger?  Sure.  More action packed?  Of course.  But better?  Rarely.  The Dark Knight, The Road Warrior, The Empire Strikes Back, and The Wrath of Khan. Those are the exceptions.  I could be talked into The Godfather Part II and maybe even The Two Towers as well, but for the most part, the list ends there.

So, what about Terminator 2?  It's not only on everybody else's list, but in most cases it's in the number one spot.  What gives?

Ok, I'll admit it, Terminator 2 is a fantastic movie.  I'll even go one further and cede the point that, in almost every regard, it is the superior movie.  The film making is more proficient, the pacing is better, and the message that the movie makes is much stronger.  Throw in the revolutionary special effects and just the impact that the movie had on society and pop culture in general, and it's easy to see why people feel this way about it.

But I still like the first one more.

Sure, it doesn't look as shiny, and the effects don't hold up nearly as well as the second one's do by today's standards, but the first Terminator will always be ranked higher than the second in my eyes.  And for me, it's because of the story.  As much as the second one has a more poignant and sweeping message about humanity, at the end of the day, the first movie is much more ingenious.  Maybe not better - I relent, T2 does belong on the list of sequels that are better than the original - but smarter.  Remember, this is still a list of my 'favourites', and not an objective, definitive list of the 'best'.  And while I love Terminator 2, I've always loved the original Terminator just that much more.

Top 10 Schwarzenegger Movies (#2)

Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Character: The Terminator
Year: 1991

I feel like this write up is only going to serve to make me sound like a complete hypocrite.  I can already tell that it will be riddled with contradictions.  You see, although I obviously love this movie (#2 is no small feat) I do have a few beefs with it.  And these beefs are going to sound unjustified, seeing as how I praised other movies on this list for practically the very things that I am now complaining about.

For starters, I was quick to defend Jim Belushi and Tom Arnold.  This will not be the case for Edward Furlong.  I should apologize to my sister now, as even whispering such blasphemy will probably make her want to murder me and bury my corpse out in the woods under a large pile of the old Teen Beat Magazines that once littered her room back in the day, but every time I watch Terminator 2 again, he annoys me just a little bit more than the last time.  And having re-watched every movie on this list over the course of making it, I must say, that during this most recent viewing, he was almost unbearable.  He has moments where he's not terrible, but they're so few and far between that they are almost instantly forgotten the moment his next annoying scene soils its way onto the screen.

Next, much like many other movies on this list, Terminator 2 has a near-perfect mix of action and humour.  But for some reason, here, it rubs me a little wrong.  Not all of it, just mostly the one-liners.  I know they try to justify it as him being able to learn to be more human the longer he spends around people, but I still just can't help but find it all a little out of character, especially compared to the no-nonsense Terminator in the first film.

But again, these are all minor complaints.  At the end of the day, there is a lot to love about this movie, and love it I most certainly do.  Even when the Edward Furlong character rears it's ugly head.  No, 13-year-old Bonnie, I didn't say that he has an ugly head... Please, just put down the knife... NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Top 10 Schwarzenegger Movies (#3)

Total Recall
Character: Douglas Quaid
Year: 1990

I don't know why Arnold is so well suited to Science Fiction.  Maybe it's because his unrealistic physique just doesn't make that much sense unless he's a cybernetic organism or fighting predators from space, or, in this case, is a secret agent from Mars.

It would be hard for him to play a mild-mannered computer programmer from Iowa because at some point you as the audience would have to ask: 'Wait? This nerdy computer guy works out for 4 hours every day?'  And as much as we're willing to suspend disbelief from time to time, that might just be too hard of a pill to swallow.

As such, almost all of Arnold's movies have had a Fantasy or Sci-Fi undercurrent to them, and often these movies are the best of his filmography.  Of course, sometimes they can be the worst as well (I'm looking at you Batman & Robin…)

But Total Recall definitely falls under the 'best' heading, and if you couldn't already tell by it's ranking on this list, I love this movie.  Not just for the classic Arnold elements, not just for a young Sharon Stone, not even for the three-breasted mutant prostitute.  Nope, this just a good movie (although when you're 12, a three-breasted mutant prostitute never hurts…)

Now if we can only stop Hollywood from shamelessly trying to remake such a cinema classic, we'll be a better society overall.  (Actually, I hate to say it, but a gritty, realistic, toned-down version of Total Recall could actually be really good, no matter how much it spits in the face of one of my all-time favourite movies growing up… that said, I still can't see Colin Farrell doing proper justice to the all-important delivery of the line 'Come on, Cohaagen! You got what you want. Give those people air!')

Top 10 Schwarzenegger Movies (#4)

True Lies
Character: Harry Tasker
Year: 1994

I defended Jim Belushi in my Red Heat write up (well, not so much defended, as expressed my indifference) so I suppose I should do the same for Tom Arnold as well.  Because I kind of like Tom Arnold.  Yet, he seems like one of those names that society has predetermined that you're not supposed to like and as soon as you bring him up in conversation, there seems to be a negative sigma that automatically comes along with him.  And I'm trying to figure out why.

Is it the Roseanne thing?  Or just his personality in general?  I suppose that he has been in a lot of sub par movies, but still, the automatic hatred people have towards him seems to far exceed anything that he could have possibly done to deserve it.  My only real exposure to him has been the few times that he's been a guest on the Adam Carolla Show, and he's come off as a genuine and funny guy, with a lot of smart and interesting things to say.

Of course, my other exposure to him is True Lies.  And he's very good in it.  Dare I say, maybe even a scene-stealer (and it isn't easy to take the spotlight away from Arnie).  They got the tone of this movie just right.  The action to comedy to over-the-top to entertainment ratios of this film are perfect.  Both Arnold's (Tom and Schwarzenegger) knock it out of the park.

Speaking of which, this list isn't about Tom, it's about the other Arnold, so it's probably best if I take a few minutes to talk about… Bill Paxton.  See what I did there?  We call that the old bait 'n switch.  But seriously, this is the second of three Arnold movies that Bill Paxton will appear in on this list, and it's easily his biggest and best role out of the three.  And once more, his part is pitch perfect to go along with the rest of the movie.

Anyways, even though I've gushed enough (albeit not very much about the one Arnold that this list suggests that I should), I'd be remiss if I didn't give James Cameron his well-deserved credit as well.  Although, I suppose I could save that for later, since the rest of this list is going to see his name come up on more than one occasion.  Which is kind of strange when you consider that he's not even a name that comes to mind when discussing my favourite directors.  Maybe it's the stigma left in the wake of Titanic, or the underwhelming response I had when watching Avatar, that's taken him off that list.  But thinking about the rest of his resume - particularly the movies of his that appear on this list - I might have to reconsider his place within the confines of my cold, dead, Cameron-underrating heart.

Top 10 Schwarzenegger Movies (#5)

Predator
Character: Dutch
Year: 1987

I'll address your inital concern right now: Yes, I realize that for you this ranking might seem a little low. Perhaps criminally so. And, I'll admit, so far this list has not been without it's faults (the exclusion of Kindergarten Cop was definitely an oversight on my part, as it was easily better than Red Heat). But, while good, and while entertaining, Predator just isn't the ultimate Arnold movie for me.

It has it's classic moments:  The Handshake.  Get to the Choppa.  I Ain't Got Time to Bleed.  And so on.

Sure, the movie drips manliness from every pore, and since we really aren't watching a Schwarzenegger movie for it's carefully crafted plot or the subtle nuances of the character, then I can see how an argument might be made that this sort of ridiculous and over-the-top movie (like Commando before it) is really the perfect Arnold experience. Just sit down, turn off your brain, shove your hand in a bag of popcorn and stare at the sweaty men and shiny explosions.

I get it. I do. I like those kinds of movies as much as the next guy (especially the sweaty men part, RAWR!). So, just because it's not my favourite Arnold movie, doesn't mean I don't still love it. Number five is nothing to sneeze at. I just happen to have four movies that I like a little bit more.

So save your enraged comments for another day, because I'm already a step ahead of you. You would have put it at number one, and I'm a fool for having it at any place else, especially, heaven forbid, as low as number five. I know. Save your breath.

Unless of course you actually were going to leave a comment. Then by all means, please do. It gets so lonely here...

Top 10 Schwarzenegger Movies (#6)

The Running Man
Character: Ben Richards
Year: 1987

There's a lot of predictions made about the future in Schwarzenegger's movies.

A nuclear wasteland run by machines in the year 2029 was the basis of The Terminator.  The Judgement Day that occurred on August 29, 1997 in that movie's sequel and even the amended date of July 24, 2004 in the Rise of the Machines.  Throw in the colonization of Mars by 2084 in Total Recall and human cloning by 2015 in The 6th Day, and Arnold is practically the Nostradamus of 80's action heroes.

That said, of all those aforementioned, science fiction, visions of the future, who would have thought that The Running Man would end up being the most likely to actually happen in real life.  No, not a United-States-turned-police-state, run by a single dictatorship under martial law, but rather the idea of a reality television show where prisoners are hunted for sport and entertainment.  I mean, sure, we haven't gotten that extreme yet, but back in 1987 when the movie came out, there wasn't even such a thing as reality television.  So who knows, by the time we get to 2019 (the films alleged date) we could be seeing such a thing.

Ok, maybe not.  But the reality television prediction was pretty spot-on, you have to admit.

Anyways, I'm not sure what more needs to be said.  The Running Man was one of the first Arnold movies that I ever saw, and it's always remained one of my favourites.  Besides, Richard Dawson, as a villainous game show host?  The only way that could have been better is if they got Bob Barker.

Top 10 Schwarzenegger Movies (#7)

Last Action Hero
Character: Jack Slater / Himself
Year: 1993

Ok, last week I pointed out that, yes, although Arnold is seemingly game to poke fun at himself by appearing in movies like Twins or Kindergarten Cop, in reality, it's more the premise of the movie that is tongue-in-cheek, whereas Arnold still plays a bad-ass without many faults or flaws. 

Therefore it was still tough to get a read on whether or not Arnold actually has a sense of humour about himself, or if he's all pure ego, but is still a savvy enough business man to know that these action-star fish-out-of-water movies are going to have his wallet bursting at the seams. And despite all the Ivan Reitman comedies, I still think that this, the Last Action Hero, is our best proof that although I'm sure the truth lies somewhere in the middle, maybe, just maybe he still leans a little more towards the former than the latter.

Sure, it wasn't very well received at the time, and not a lot of people talk about it when discussions of Arnold's filmography are brought up, but I still really like this movie.  Maybe it's because in 1993, I was around the same age as the young boy with whom the audience is supposed to relate, and therefore maybe I found him less annoying than most people.  But mostly, I think, it's because it really is just a good, solid send up of the action movie genre.

Sure, many have tried, and even more have failed, but making fun of action movies in a smart and clever way is a pretty rare feat to accomplish.  And yes, this is far from a perfect film - or satire - but I think it's a lot better than people make it out to be.  It was a risky maneuver, too, because in order to work, not only does Arnold have to make fun of pretty much every movie that he's ever been in (and risk not being able to do another one ever again with a straight face), but at the same time, it kind of reminds the audience that they're the ones that have been shelling out 12 bucks a pop to enjoy all these obvious cliches and gimmicks over the years.

And maybe that's not the sort of thing you want to remind the audience.

On a side note, this is the last movie that I ever saw at a Drive-In movie theatre.  Man, those were the days.