Man Crush #24: Tony Jaa

Best Known For: Ong-Bak

There is no cinematic selling point that gets my juices flowing quite like the description 'does all his own stunts without  wire work or CG effects'.  Done.  Sold.  Sign me up.

The year was 2005.  The movie was Ong-Bak. And an hour and thirty four minutes later, Tony Jaa had a new fan for life.

And I know what you're thinking: what's with the elephants?  We get it: Thai people like 'em.  You can stop trying so hard to convince us.  But cut the man some slack, he grew up the son of an elephant herder.  An elephant herder! Tell me that a childhood filled with doing back flips off your own elephant isn't the most bad-ass thing you've ever heard.  That and he developed a new style of Muay Thai specially for The Protector based on elephants' movements, described simply as "throw, stamp on, grab, break".  The man loves his elephants.

The man also loves being awesome.  Sure, it's not easy to get a feel for his personality through interviews in which he struggles to answer in broken english.  But the things he's done in front of a camera lens give him a free pass to be a self absorbed douche bag for all I care.  Hopefully he's not.  But I can forgive him if he is, so long as he keeps my jaw on the floor.

Which brings us to my one concern with Mr. Jaa.  Go back and re-read the description of 'Elephant Boxing' that he developed for The Protector.  The 'break' part in particular.  It made The Protector almost difficult to finish.  And Ong-Bak 2 was even more gritty and bloody.  So far, each release has ramped up the level of intensity and violence.  And it may not be very manly for me to suggest this, but I don't really like that he might continue heading in this direction.  I was raised on Schwarzenegger flicks in the 80's, and whet my martial arts beak with a full on Jackie Chan obsession in the 90's.  And although decidedly violent, these films still always had a slight element of humour to them (in Jackie's case, more then just slight).  And that's the one thing I find lacking from Tony Jaa.  He's a little too serious.

But, like I said, I can forgive him of almost anything so long as the movies keep coming.  And I don't offer that grace to just anyone.  Sounds like a Man Crush to me.

Proof of Awesomeness:

Man Crush #25: Jeremy Clarkson

Best Known For: BBC's Top Gear

Ok, so I just spent the entire last post explaining the purpose behind this list, and here, in the very first entry, I'm going to take it all back.  Because this entry is less about the man, and more about the show he represents.  In fact, I'm going to speak man crush blasphemy, and suggest that Clarkson isn't even my favorite Top Gear presenter.  I'm a James May man at heart.  And, sorry to spoil the surprize for you, but you're not going to find James May's name on this list.

So then, if he's not even my favorite person on his own show, what right does he have to appear on this great list of lists? Well, the answer to that is simple: Clarkson is Top Gear.  He is the face of the entire show.  Maybe my man crush is on Top Gear* more than on Clarkson himself, but if Clarkson is the embodiment of that show, then he certainly deserves to appear here as it's ambassador.

Besides, Clarkson gets to drive the best cars. 

...and he gets to drive them side ways. 

...with smoke pouring from the back tires.

...as he screams 'power!' at the top of his lungs. 

He has the best job on that show - maybe even on the entire planet -  and quite frankly, even if the cameras were not rolling, anyone that gets to do that for a living is going to be a hero of mine.  In fact, the only fault of his that I can think of is that he has a well-known hatred of motorcycles.  But pobody's nerfect.

My Jeremy Clarkson man crush is as simple as this: I love me some cars.  And I respect the hell out of a man that can powerslide them around a track, making it look easy, while he explains the finer points of said car in an entertaining yet informative manner.  As though anyone watching is really in the market for a $250,000 car.  Plus, he gets to travel the world (in those cars), having a blast with his friends and getting paid ungodly amounts of money to do it.

Now tell me you don't want that man's life.  I know I do.  And that alone is reason enough to find him in the number 25 spot on this list.

Proof of Awesomeness:


* I hate to say it, but Top Gear has been starting to lose it's lustre to me in the last few series.  It's like they're staging too many screw ups, and just generally trying too hard.  But let's not worry about that.  Let's instead choose to remember what Top Gear represents: Grown men, goofing around, driving very expensive cars in very irresponsible ways.  What's not to like about that?

It's Hetero, I Swear

Only the most awesome of guys need a really long-winded disclaimer to explain matters before finally getting to the point, so here you go:

There's really no other way to put this: this is going to come off a little gay.  Not gay as in lame.  More like two cowboys sharing a tent and not knowing how to quit each other.  That kind of gay.  But I assure you, it's not.  And I'm not trying to be homophobic.  I've got nothing against the gay community.  I mean, sure, I doubt very much that I'd be comfortable watching two guys making out in front of me, but the same is probably true for watching a dude and a chick make out.  My awkwardness is equal opportunity.  Two ladies making out?  Well, my unbiased nature can only go so far...

Actually, I'm kind of confused about the term homophobic.  A phobia is a fear, right?  But generally, isn't homophobia used more to describe intolerance?  Because usually homophobia has more to do with hate than it does fear, right?  Like, people don't jump up on chairs and scream when they see a gay dude like they might if they saw a mouse or a spider.  No, they just call them a fag and high five the nearest guy wearing the same Ed Hardy t-shirt as them.  Not really a phobia, just kind of douchey.  I'm officially adding homophobia to the list of terms that get misused.

Wait, what were we talking about again?  Oh, right, I was about to re-introduce you to a subject very near and dear to my heart:

The Man Crush.

I have many of them.  Maybe a few too many.  But, remember folks, there's nothing gay about this.  A man crush is not a physical attraction.  It's having the utmost respect and admiration for another dude.  It's all about awesomeness.  God-like basketball skills, a penchant for making awesome movies, hilarious interviews on talk shows.  Sure, a lot of this applies to sports and Hollywood, and often times a celebrity's persona can be carefully crafted and manipulated by their agents and the media.  But I don't care.  The mighty Man Crush lives on in spite of this.

And as such, over the next few weeks I am going to reveal to you my definitive list.  The Top 25 Hetero Man Crushes.  Feel free to move to the edge of your seat... now.