Travis Tackles Relationships

I know that I start pretty much every blog entry with some sort of "let's get this out of the way right now…" wherein I explain that even though I am clearly no expert on the given subject, and probably have no qualifications whatsoever to be writing about it, I'm going to anyways. It's my way of letting you know that I know, that you know, that it's really not my place to be writing about anything. I'm essentially bursting my own bubble in advance, so that you can't slam me in the comments after the fact, saying something like 'u put the ferrari at 1 butt only have the mclaren at 5, i'm not surprised, since ur a little bitch that drives a '99 cavalier…'

First off, ouch. Second, you spelled 'butt' wrong, and now that I've pointed that out, I am the superior internet guy, loser!

And third, that's why I wrote that whole thing at the beginning. Because I know I don't drive a nice car, I know I don't work for Road & Track, and I know that I'm a little bitch. Wait, what? Dammit. Now look what you've done…

Sure, this all probably stems from a much deeper issue - a general lack of self confidence - and it's probably all just a huge unnecessary waste of effort. But it's just something I do. If you're not used to it by now, well you can… you can…

Ah, forget it. You know I'll take whatever readers I can get.

Anyways, basically, what this all comes down to is this: nothing I have written about on this blog has been because I'm an expert on the subject. But at the very least I've had an opinion on it. A horse in the race, if you will. Not any more. Because for the next few weeks, I'm giving my thoughts on dating, marriage and relationships. We're diving into the fairer sex here, gents. And I'm not going to lie, it's a topic that I'm woefully unqualified to be talking about.

So please, be gentle.

This week, I'm going to ease you in lightly. The topic of discussion, as sent to me by one of my readers, whom shall remain nameless, is as follows:

Right or Wrong? To tell your finance that she 'better not get fat'

Well, Randy, I would most certainly consider that 'wrong'. The fact that you would even suggest such a horrible thing is demeaning to your wife and the very institution of marriage itself. You are the kind of man that is giving the rest of us a bad name. Shame on you.

All joking aside though, is it entirely wrong? Isn't attraction a big part of a relationship? I'm not talking about love here. I'm talking about attraction. Just because you're not as attracted to someone as you once were, doesn't mean you've stopped loving them. So, well I'm not saying guys should start telling their wives 'if you put on 5 pounds, we're getting a divorce…', I do wonder if it is really that unreasonable to want to stay attracted to your wife, which might not happen if she puts on 75 pounds.

Needless to say this is not exactly going to endear me to the ladies, and probably makes me sound like a complete asshole - and obviously it's not really something you just come out and say as part of your wedding vows - but I still think it's foolish to just assume that once you're married, you'll stay attracted to each other no matter what. And look, I'm not saying a woman should ever be expected to be like she was in her 20's, now that she's 40 and has pumped out a few kids along the way. But sometimes that's an easy crutch to fall back on too.

That said, after a long day of packing lunches, driving the kids to school, working a shift at the office, picking the kids up, making supper, doing dishes... all that stuff, maybe an excuse is all someone needs in order to lay on the couch with a tub of ice cream and watch The Bachelor. I know the last thing I would be thinking is 'I should get on the treadmill…'

So what's the answer? Women work hard and deserve their downtime. Men have an unfair double standard in which they aren't judged as harshly if they 'let themselves go a little' as they age. And the cold-hard-truth is that it takes more work to stay in shape the older that you get. But none of that changes the fact that if you weren't attracted to a heavy-set girl before you got married, you probably aren't going to be attracted to one after you get married. As unfair as that is, and no matter how much you love them.

And my solution? Well, actually, I'm starting to realize that I'm not exactly easing myself in with this topic of discussion, as I had originally hoped when I first brought it up. In fact, it's pretty much a veritable minefield of potential statements in which I can't possibly hope to come away from without having my foot very squarely lodged in my mouth. But here it goes anyways: as with all things, compromise. Men, don't expect washboard abs, or the ass of a twenty year old. She's older now, and so long as she looks like a woman her age is supposed to, you have nothing to complain about. Ladies, stop asking us if anything you try on makes you look fat. You already know the answer, and we're horrible liars, so knock it off already.

There. Done. I've pretty much eliminated divorce from all of society. Be sure to tune in next week for even more unsolicited relationship advice. Don't worry, it has to be good seeing as how I'll be spending the whole week alone in my apartment thinking about what to say.