Travis Tackles Relationships V

This one is a doozy, so I'm going to just get right into it: Being friends with your Ex.

If you have trouble believing that a guy and a girl can't be 'just friends' then you're really not going to believe that this one is possible. But, once again, I'm going to argue the unpopular opinion that it is indeed possible. Why? Because I'm friends with two of my ex's, and I'd like to believe that these friendships aren't complete shams.

Similar to the guy/girl friendships discussed last week, the main mental hurdle that most detractors can't get past in this instance is 'why?' And in this case, that is a very important question. The aftermath of a break up is a veritable mine field of irrational decisions, crazy behaviour, and crippling denial. And a friendship formed under any of those conditions is a very bad idea. Especially denial. If you're only staying friends with an Ex in hopes of getting back together, then for one, I don't really consider that a friendship so much as you simply moving back into the 'friend zone', and two, you're probably only doing yourself further harm, and creating greater pain for yourself down the road.

All that aside, the reason I believe in the Ex's as Friends scenario is simple: in most cases (the operative word being 'most') you weren't just with the girl because of her looks. If you were in an actual relationship, chances are it had to do with a lot more than just attraction, and probably most of all because you got along together, were interested in similar things, and generally enjoyed each other's company. Basically, what I'm saying is: you actually liked them. As a person. Not just as a pair of tits that happened to have a person attached to them.

So, the question becomes: just because your relationship ends, do you also stop liking them as a person? If the answer is no, and you're also ok with the idea that you'll never see them naked again (don't gloss over that last detail, put some real honest thought into it before even considering a friendship, because it's very important) then why not remain friends? Sure, you might need a period of time to get over the failed relationship first, but once that passes, I say, why not?

But maybe that's because I've never had an angry break up. You see, I've never really understood the couple that were married for ten years, but now that they're divorced, literally can't be in the same room together. I just don't get it. How could the person that at one point you loved more than anyone else in the world, suddenly be the person you hate more than anyone else? Obviously the term 'suddenly' is a little misused here, as many times the hatred develops over several years as the marriage begins to fall apart, but my point remains. How could that much love turn into that much hate?

I guess the answer is simple: The only person that can make you feel your very best is also the only person that can make you feel your very worst. And maybe hatred is a defence mechanism stemming from that. Sort of like, you know you loved that person, but for whatever reason, you know that you just can't be together any more, and the only way your mind knows how to deal with that is to create this anger towards them to help you not have to deal with those overwhelming emotions. I've never been there, myself. All of my relationships have ended because it was just obviously not working. Some sadness, some disappointment, sure. But rarely any hard feelings or resentment.

Which, of course, brings us back to the question 'why'? If we got along so well - enough to still be friends afterwards - and we were attracted to each other, then why didn't the relationship work out? And here's what I've been able to come up with: as a society, we get a little too confused on the difference between a relationship and a friendship. And I think the real blame for this confusion belongs to the mindset that 'my significant other is also my best friend'. Well, aw shucks, that does sound swell. But I think it's misplaced. There's nothing wrong with having similar interests, and getting along great and all that good stuff - in fact, you absolutely should, if the relationship is going to have any sort of a chance - but i need different things from a relationship than I do from a friendship. And to say that your wife is also your best friend, kind of sells both of those titles a little short.

For you to compare your wife to the beer-guzzling, womanizing, douche bag guys that you went to high school with - the ones that formerly held that coveted title of 'best friend' - pretty much completely devalues the special bond that you two have. It also kind of suggests that you could get that same happiness with any of those same loser friends, and you're just a few shots of tequila and a conversation about ancient Greek culture away from trying to make it happen. Look, I get why people say it, it's sweet. But for me, the things I look for in my friends are much different then the things I look for in a partner. And some of the character traits that I'm fine with having in a friend, might be complete deal breakers in a relationship. Which is precisely why a girl can be just fine as a friend, even though she didn't work out at all in a relationship.

You see, every single one of my friends has at least one thing that kind of bugs me about them. Which is fine; we're all different people, and everyone has their foibles. The world would be a pretty boring place if you only surrounded yourself with people that were exactly the same as you in every way.  But what might make for a fun debate over a few beers at the pub once or twice with a friend, might be too difficult to overlook in a relationship, when you're fighting over it for the 91st time, and it no longer feels like a 'cute little difference in opinion'.

Here's an example: I'm a messy dude. I let the dishes pile up, I'll wear the same socks two days in a row, and I sure as hell don't clean the stubble out of the sink after I shave. Some people just can't stand a messy home. There's nothing wrong with that, in fact, it's very normal. But nothing is ever going to change the fact that I kind of like a messy home. Sure, I'm willing to compromise and meet somewhere in the middle with a girl that prefers things are clean most of the time.  But a relationship would never work between me and a real neat freak, because eventually even with a bit of effort on my part, it would still drive her completely insane. It just would. I can be friends with that person, because either they could just never come over to my place, or if they did, I could straighten it up before they arrived.

But how often do you see your friends? Once a week? Once a month? It's no big deal for me to clean up those few times a year, or just meet at their place if they really can't stand the mess. But I'm not going to be able to do that if it's a girlfriend that's swinging by 4 or 5 times a week. I'm just not. I might keep it up for a month, maybe two, as we go through that 'look how perfect I am' phase, where you'd never even think about farting, let alone taking a dump when they're anywhere within a five mile radius of you. But eventually that wears off, and the real you starts to emerge. And the real me is a messy dude.

Does that make sense? How, what you can let slide as a quality in a friend - whether it be that they're kind of a dick, or a Calgary Flames fan, or something (although those are usually one and the same) - might be the straw that breaks the camel's back in a relationship. And I think that's the key: differentiating what a relationship is, and what a friendship is. If you're only ever friends with girls in order to eventually date them, then the Friends with your Ex dynamic just isn't going to work for you. That's fine. I'm not saying everyone should be friends with their Ex's. But I am saying that they also shouldn't be so quick to assume that just because it would never work for them, that means it can't possibly work for anyone else either.

Travis Tackles Relationships IV

I saved this one for last. Why? Because for once I not only have an opinion on this, but for the first time ever, I also have experience that directly relates to the topic at hand. I know, right? Who knew?

Which brings us to: Can a guy and a girl just be friends?

I'm pretty sure the general consensus is a resounding 'no', but I stand firmly in the 'yes' camp. Why? Because I've had many successful friendships with members of the fairer sex. Now, this tends to lead to the assumption that I fall somewhere in the spectrum of 'simply naive' all the way up to 'completely oblivious about the world in which I inhabit'.

While I can't deny my naivety at times - I do tend to give people the benefit of the doubt in assuming that everyone is inherently 'good', when this is obviously not always the case - but I don't consider myself an oblivious person at all. If anything, I over-analyze the small details way too much. That said, my response (or often lack thereof) to such analysis can understandably be misconstrued as such. And while I understand why this is, all I can do is try to assure you that it is not the case. Whether you choose to believe it or not is up to you.

Now, before you shake your head and start to question every opinion I've ever had, in response to this unpopular claim that guys and girls can in fact be friends, let's get a few things out of the way: First, and most importantly, I'm not saying that every guy and every girl can be friends. Not at all. There are certainly many instances where this is not possible in the slightest. Secondly, there's a very different situation that one can find themselves in called 'the friend zone'. This is a completely different scenario, and rarely ever turns out well.

With that out of the way, here's why I think that a guy/girl friendship can work:

The main reason that people assume a co-ed friendship is impossible is of course, attraction. The assumption is always that one or possibly even both of the 'friends' are actually hoping that the friendship leads to something more. That one of the them is attracted to the other, and either they've been told they can't be more than friends by the other person, and they hope they can wear them down over time, or else they haven't had the guts to make their move yet and let their intentions be known. And don't get me wrong, this is undoubtedly the most common example of a male/female friendship, and is always, without fail, going to come crashing down at some point.

These friendships are pipe dreams, and quite frankly are impossible. The main reason being, that whether they even realize it or not, one of the people doesn't even want to be friends. They may be patient, they may even be willing to convince themselves that they can just be friends. But eventually the other shoe will drop. Not always in a negative way, mind you, I'm sure some do evolve into that relationship that they were hoping for. But as a general rule, if at least one of the 'friends' is attracted to the other, even in a small way, the friendship is ultimately doomed to fail.

So, moving past that, once we've found the rare two people that have absolutely no attraction to one another, the next thing that people can't get past (and therefore discredit every co-ed friendship because of) is the simple question: Why? Some people definitely have a singular opinion of the opposite sex. Like, a woman is only good for marrying, impregnating, or sewing.  So, if you're not after any of those things, then why would you even bother with them? Obviously, no one wants to admit to that narrow and ultimately sexist mindset, but it's actually a pretty common response to a legitimate male/female friendship. Maybe not as blatantly as I've laid it out in my example, but there are definitely people that don't understand why a person would want to be friends with a lady if they don't have some other underlying motivating factor.

And these people will probably never be convinced. So, I'm not even going to bother trying. Just know, some people genuinely enjoy the company of each other, regardless of gender, and not because they eventually want to jump each other's bones.

Trust me, I know. I've been friends with a girl from high school for over 13 years now. And I know I have no interest in her beyond friendship, and I have to assume the same of her, since she's definitely not the type to hold back from expressing her feelings, so I doubt very much she would have kept them bottled up for over a decade. By contrast, I've also been in friendships where interest in an eventual relationship has been the ultimate goal. So, honestly, I do know and am able to recognize the difference between the two.

But if you still have trouble believing that, then let me tell you about another type of guy/girl friendship that most people have trouble wrapping their minds around, that I have also been involved with. Well, actually, I haven't really ended with a good tease in a while, so really, I should say: let me tell you all about it... next week.

Travis Tackles Relationships III

Last week we got into how you might feel if your significant other had to make out with someone because of their job. You know, like if they were an actor or an actress or an accountant or something. Regardless of how you felt about it, you have to admit, in that scenario, at least you knew about it and sort of had a say in it. Even if they chose the job over you, you still had a say in it.

But what if you didn't? That's right, could you forgive a cheater?

Randy was watching Extract the other day, and thought that the ending implied that (spoiler alert) the couple stayed together in the end. That got him thinking about the aforementioned question at hand. And when Randy starts thinking, guess who the poor bastard is that has to listen to it? Well, now you all get to share in my pain.

As per my usual disclaimer, in which I fully admit to having no real grounds to be giving an opinion on any of this, I should mention that I have never been in love. And I can't honestly claim to know how that sticky little emotion might change my perspective on any of this. I can only guess based on how I think I would feel. So, again, take this all with a grain of salt.

First and foremost is the popular mantra 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. Which I fully endorse. It takes a certain moral ambiguity to cheat on someone that you claim to care about, and I don't think that sort of inherent character flaw is the type of thing that just goes away simply because you got caught once. I'm not a psychologist, so I can't say whether it can even be corrected with time and counselling or not. But for the most part, I think it's is a very good rule of thumb. If they cheat on you once, no matter how sorry they seem, there's a pretty good chance they'll cheat on you again, eventually. It's like waking up after a night of drinking, with an awful hangover, and promising yourself that you'll never drink again as long as you live. In that moment you honestly mean it (just as I'm sure an apologetic cheater does). In your mind, you absolutely won't drink ever again. But how many people honestly stick to that promise in the end?

And it's all tied in with that same little character flaw that let's them cheat in the first place: selfishness. To me, the sort of person that cheats is the sort of person that thinks about themselves first and foremost. If they were thinking about your feelings, they could never have done it in the first place, right? If they cared about you at all, they wouldn't be able to do it, knowing how much pain it would cause you. The fact that they don't - even for that one little instant when they give in to temptation - tells me everything I need to know about them. It's a very revealing moment. You learn more about that person in an instant, than a thousand dates could ever reveal.

Sure, they're all tears once they're discovered. And they should be. They aren't complete monsters (or you wouldn't have cared about them in the first place). But it's the difference between someone that honestly cares about you, and someone that only cares whether or not you know about it. Yes, it makes them sad to know that they hurt you, but the mere fact that they're only sad after the fact, speaks volumes. They may not be selfish all the time, but in that moment of truth, they chose themselves over you. Which, to me, is what would bother me more than anything. The thoughts of her in the throws of passion with another man - while it would be tough - I honestly believe I could get past. It's the knowledge of how easily she could cast my feelings aside for her own enjoyment that would be impossible to get over.

It's sort of like that term 'emotional cheating'. Where people get mad at their significant other for having a relationship with someone in a chat room or something. And the argument is that if there's no sex, then it's not cheating. And when you first hear about it, your initial reaction is that getting upset over some harmless emotional cheating is stupid. That it really can't be cheating without sex. But at the end of the day, I kind of agree with the person that's upset. An emotional connection goes much deeper than a physical one, in my mind. And to not understand why trying to have that same connection with multiple people might upset your partner, well, that's just missing the point entirely. It's not about a text book definition of cheating, where everything is black and white, and sex is cheating and everything else isn't. That's not the way it works. It's all grey area. And it's all different for each person. Some people think simply looking at another person - checking them out, or what not - is wrong. Other people could care less, so long as the person looks but doesn't touch. Some wives don't mind if their husbands go to strip clubs, whereas others won't even let their husband look at the Sunshine Girl.

My point is, you should know your partner. If you really care about them, you know what they consider to be ok and you know what will hurt them. And by still doing that which hurts them, when you know that it does. Well, that's the worst thing you can do. Playing dumb, or trying to stick to some rigid definition of right and wrong, where these things are always right and only these things are wrong, well that's just bullshit. If you know it hurts her, then it's wrong. Simple as that.

So whether it's 'just' kissing, or 'just' having sex, you know when you've cheated on your partner, and while the ability to forgive that transgression will vary based on the person and the severity of the act, at the end of the day, you know if it was cheating or not, and if you chose to still do it anyways, then you just didn't care about that person as much as you'd like to think that you did.

Which brings us to whether or not I would take someone back if they had cheated on me. No, I don't think I would. Not because I think adultery is unforgivable - which some people do, and have every right to - but because I think that their true character has been revealed, and honestly, that is not the sort of person I want to be around. It's kind of like the type of person that would torture and kill a puppy. I almost think they should be punished worst than the guy that accidentally ran over an old lady in a cross walk. Not because I value the life of a dog more than the life of a human, but because I think it speaks to a much deeper sickness. If you can look a cute puppy in it's adorable face and without regret, hit it or burn it or cut it or beat it, then there is just something wrong with you. You are broken and probably cannot be fixed. On a strictly psychological level, that guy is a bigger threat to society than the accountant that wasn't paying attention when Nana needed to cross 32nd and Vine.

I'm not trying to compare animal cruelty and manslaughter to cheating, at least not in terms of the severity of the transgressions, but I am comparing them on a strictly psychological level. I'd be willing to forgive the guy that accidentally ran over grandma, but I don't think I could do the same for the guy that could look something so cute in the face and only wish it harm. Just like I don't think I could ever believe a person that looked me in the eye and told me that they cared about me, but then proved that they really didn't by cheating on me. The end result isn't the point, otherwise having a dead person would of course be far worse than having a injured dog. The point is why they did it in the first place.

But, maybe that's just me. I can't factor in what it would be like to have a wife of 20 years cheat, especially if you had kids. I mean, at that point, what do you do? You may not ever forgive them, but you might need to move past it and stay together for the kids. And like I said, it's different for everyone. Maybe you have forgiven a cheater. Maybe that makes a you a better person than me. Although, I doubt it. Really, it just proves that each person has a different set of standards, and no one person's are right, and no one person's are wrong.

Except for Hitler. I'm pretty sure his were wrong.