Travis Tackles Relationships V

This one is a doozy, so I'm going to just get right into it: Being friends with your Ex.

If you have trouble believing that a guy and a girl can't be 'just friends' then you're really not going to believe that this one is possible. But, once again, I'm going to argue the unpopular opinion that it is indeed possible. Why? Because I'm friends with two of my ex's, and I'd like to believe that these friendships aren't complete shams.

Similar to the guy/girl friendships discussed last week, the main mental hurdle that most detractors can't get past in this instance is 'why?' And in this case, that is a very important question. The aftermath of a break up is a veritable mine field of irrational decisions, crazy behaviour, and crippling denial. And a friendship formed under any of those conditions is a very bad idea. Especially denial. If you're only staying friends with an Ex in hopes of getting back together, then for one, I don't really consider that a friendship so much as you simply moving back into the 'friend zone', and two, you're probably only doing yourself further harm, and creating greater pain for yourself down the road.

All that aside, the reason I believe in the Ex's as Friends scenario is simple: in most cases (the operative word being 'most') you weren't just with the girl because of her looks. If you were in an actual relationship, chances are it had to do with a lot more than just attraction, and probably most of all because you got along together, were interested in similar things, and generally enjoyed each other's company. Basically, what I'm saying is: you actually liked them. As a person. Not just as a pair of tits that happened to have a person attached to them.

So, the question becomes: just because your relationship ends, do you also stop liking them as a person? If the answer is no, and you're also ok with the idea that you'll never see them naked again (don't gloss over that last detail, put some real honest thought into it before even considering a friendship, because it's very important) then why not remain friends? Sure, you might need a period of time to get over the failed relationship first, but once that passes, I say, why not?

But maybe that's because I've never had an angry break up. You see, I've never really understood the couple that were married for ten years, but now that they're divorced, literally can't be in the same room together. I just don't get it. How could the person that at one point you loved more than anyone else in the world, suddenly be the person you hate more than anyone else? Obviously the term 'suddenly' is a little misused here, as many times the hatred develops over several years as the marriage begins to fall apart, but my point remains. How could that much love turn into that much hate?

I guess the answer is simple: The only person that can make you feel your very best is also the only person that can make you feel your very worst. And maybe hatred is a defence mechanism stemming from that. Sort of like, you know you loved that person, but for whatever reason, you know that you just can't be together any more, and the only way your mind knows how to deal with that is to create this anger towards them to help you not have to deal with those overwhelming emotions. I've never been there, myself. All of my relationships have ended because it was just obviously not working. Some sadness, some disappointment, sure. But rarely any hard feelings or resentment.

Which, of course, brings us back to the question 'why'? If we got along so well - enough to still be friends afterwards - and we were attracted to each other, then why didn't the relationship work out? And here's what I've been able to come up with: as a society, we get a little too confused on the difference between a relationship and a friendship. And I think the real blame for this confusion belongs to the mindset that 'my significant other is also my best friend'. Well, aw shucks, that does sound swell. But I think it's misplaced. There's nothing wrong with having similar interests, and getting along great and all that good stuff - in fact, you absolutely should, if the relationship is going to have any sort of a chance - but i need different things from a relationship than I do from a friendship. And to say that your wife is also your best friend, kind of sells both of those titles a little short.

For you to compare your wife to the beer-guzzling, womanizing, douche bag guys that you went to high school with - the ones that formerly held that coveted title of 'best friend' - pretty much completely devalues the special bond that you two have. It also kind of suggests that you could get that same happiness with any of those same loser friends, and you're just a few shots of tequila and a conversation about ancient Greek culture away from trying to make it happen. Look, I get why people say it, it's sweet. But for me, the things I look for in my friends are much different then the things I look for in a partner. And some of the character traits that I'm fine with having in a friend, might be complete deal breakers in a relationship. Which is precisely why a girl can be just fine as a friend, even though she didn't work out at all in a relationship.

You see, every single one of my friends has at least one thing that kind of bugs me about them. Which is fine; we're all different people, and everyone has their foibles. The world would be a pretty boring place if you only surrounded yourself with people that were exactly the same as you in every way.  But what might make for a fun debate over a few beers at the pub once or twice with a friend, might be too difficult to overlook in a relationship, when you're fighting over it for the 91st time, and it no longer feels like a 'cute little difference in opinion'.

Here's an example: I'm a messy dude. I let the dishes pile up, I'll wear the same socks two days in a row, and I sure as hell don't clean the stubble out of the sink after I shave. Some people just can't stand a messy home. There's nothing wrong with that, in fact, it's very normal. But nothing is ever going to change the fact that I kind of like a messy home. Sure, I'm willing to compromise and meet somewhere in the middle with a girl that prefers things are clean most of the time.  But a relationship would never work between me and a real neat freak, because eventually even with a bit of effort on my part, it would still drive her completely insane. It just would. I can be friends with that person, because either they could just never come over to my place, or if they did, I could straighten it up before they arrived.

But how often do you see your friends? Once a week? Once a month? It's no big deal for me to clean up those few times a year, or just meet at their place if they really can't stand the mess. But I'm not going to be able to do that if it's a girlfriend that's swinging by 4 or 5 times a week. I'm just not. I might keep it up for a month, maybe two, as we go through that 'look how perfect I am' phase, where you'd never even think about farting, let alone taking a dump when they're anywhere within a five mile radius of you. But eventually that wears off, and the real you starts to emerge. And the real me is a messy dude.

Does that make sense? How, what you can let slide as a quality in a friend - whether it be that they're kind of a dick, or a Calgary Flames fan, or something (although those are usually one and the same) - might be the straw that breaks the camel's back in a relationship. And I think that's the key: differentiating what a relationship is, and what a friendship is. If you're only ever friends with girls in order to eventually date them, then the Friends with your Ex dynamic just isn't going to work for you. That's fine. I'm not saying everyone should be friends with their Ex's. But I am saying that they also shouldn't be so quick to assume that just because it would never work for them, that means it can't possibly work for anyone else either.