Man Crush #22: Christopher Walken

Best Known For: Requesting more cowbell

As an actor, Christopher Walken is no slouch.  He won an Oscar for The Deer Hunter and was nominated again for Catch Me If You Can.  That said, sometime around the late 90's, people started to realize that Christopher Walken was best at playing Christopher Walken, and directors have simply been turning the camera on him and saying "just be you" ever since.  And he has been.

It was also around this time that comedians added him the list of essential impressions that everyone needs to be able to do.  Right behind Sean Connery and William Shatner.  And it was also around this time that he made SNL waves with the infamous 'cowbell' sketch.

Which is all well and good.  But does it make him man crush worthy?  Well, let's see: He entertains me.  He has a good and self deprecating sense of humour.  And really, he just seems like a cool guy.

Although, he's not without his flaws.  You know how some actors seem to just do every movie offered to them.  And you joke 'man, that guy'll do anything as long as the cheque clears'.  Well in Walken's case, that's pretty much true.  He has actually stated in interviews that he'll decline a roll only if he is too busy with another project to work on it.  And because of this, a fine filmography which has seen movies he's acted in receive 35 Oscar nominations and 12 wins (although the fact that Click was nominated for an Oscar discredits that entire statement) is also marred by a list of duds that would rival Dane Cook.  For every Man on Fire there's a Balls of Fury.

...and a Kangaroo Jack.

But he was in Pulp Fiction.  And not even Gigli can cancel that out.  And because of it, I can hold my head high knowing he deserves to be here.

Proof of Awesomeness:

You were expecting the 'cowbell' sketch there, weren't you?  Don't get me wrong, like everyone else on the planet, I love me some 'more cowbell', but it's a bit played out these days.  A lot played out.  Annoyingly so.  Plus, I really love that Fatboy Slim video.

Man Crush #23: Hakeem Olajuwon

Best Known For: 18 Seasons of NBA Dominance as Center for the Houston Rockets

John Stockton.  Charles Barkley.  Michael Jordan. 

Hakeem Olajuwon was selected ahead of all of them in 1984 - arguably the greatest draft in NBA history.  And I hate to say it, because Jordan is probably the greatest basketball player to ever step foot on a basketball court, but even knowing what I know now, I don't think I would have drafted it any differently.  Hakeem was that special.

He was a 7-footer that moved better than most guards.  He is the only player in NBA history to record 200 blocks and 200 steals in the same season.  In fact, when he retired, he was #1 all time in blocked shots and #8 in steals.  For a Center, that's nothing short of mind boggling.  Most great defensive players are known for either shot blocking or steals.  Rarely both.  Especially a center.

And then there was his offense.  Adept at dribbling, good at shooting, but most importantly - and most famously - possessing some of the best foot work ever to grace the NBA's hardwood.  With the exception of maybe Kareem's sky hook, the Dream Shake may very well have been the most unguardable move in NBA history.  And during his prime, Hakeem was just that: unguardable.  Wilt was dominant, sure.  There's no arguing that.  The man scored 100 points in a single game.  But unguardable?  I think Bill Russell would have something to say about that.  And, with the exception of those epic battles with Russell, Wilt was often a 7 foot 2 inch giant, playing against 6'8" white guys.  Hakeem was not only brilliant, but he was brilliant during perhaps the greatest period of talent at the center position in the history of the league.  He played against Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Moses Malone, David Robinson, Patrick Ewing and Shaquille O'Neal.  And he flourished.

Hakeem famously became one of only four (three at the time) players in NBA history to record a quadruple-double.  Sure, triple-doubles are a dime a dozen.  But a quad?  That's truly remarkable.  If you don't understand why, here's a quote that sums it up perfectly:

The reason why [a quadruple-double] is such a hard thing to accomplish is because it requires a player to be completely dominant on both ends of the court without being too selfish—so he can get the assists—and without fouling out trying to block every shot or grab every rebound. A lot of guys can get the points, rebounds and assists, but it's the defensive stuff that messes everybody up. You have to love defense to get a quadruple-double. There's no way around it.       -Nate Thurmond

But what most people don't realize is, that even though Hakeem dropped the illustrious quadruple-double on March 29, 1990 (18 points, 16 rebounds, 10 assists, 11 blocks) he actually had a far more impressive one just 26 days earlier (29 points, 18 rebounds, 10 assists, 11 blocks) which was made ineligible after the NBA stripped him of one assist once they reviewed the game tape.  Can you imagine if he'd gotten 2 in one month?  Amazing.

Sure, he may have gone through a bit of selfish stretch during the late 80's and early 90's.  But his teams were so terrible, that he was still the best chance for 2 points, regardless of whether or not he was double or triple teamed.  If that's the only knock against him, then it's a forgivable one, especially when you consider how unselfish he was once he had a good team surrounding him.

If one thing sums up my love of Hakeem it is this:  He is the only player in NBA history to win Most Valuable Player, Defensive Player, and Finals MVP in the same season.  He was dominant offensively.  Dominant defensively.  And he was a winner.  Now he is my number 23 Man Crush.

Proof of Awesomeness:

Man Crush #24: Tony Jaa

Best Known For: Ong-Bak

There is no cinematic selling point that gets my juices flowing quite like the description 'does all his own stunts without  wire work or CG effects'.  Done.  Sold.  Sign me up.

The year was 2005.  The movie was Ong-Bak. And an hour and thirty four minutes later, Tony Jaa had a new fan for life.

And I know what you're thinking: what's with the elephants?  We get it: Thai people like 'em.  You can stop trying so hard to convince us.  But cut the man some slack, he grew up the son of an elephant herder.  An elephant herder! Tell me that a childhood filled with doing back flips off your own elephant isn't the most bad-ass thing you've ever heard.  That and he developed a new style of Muay Thai specially for The Protector based on elephants' movements, described simply as "throw, stamp on, grab, break".  The man loves his elephants.

The man also loves being awesome.  Sure, it's not easy to get a feel for his personality through interviews in which he struggles to answer in broken english.  But the things he's done in front of a camera lens give him a free pass to be a self absorbed douche bag for all I care.  Hopefully he's not.  But I can forgive him if he is, so long as he keeps my jaw on the floor.

Which brings us to my one concern with Mr. Jaa.  Go back and re-read the description of 'Elephant Boxing' that he developed for The Protector.  The 'break' part in particular.  It made The Protector almost difficult to finish.  And Ong-Bak 2 was even more gritty and bloody.  So far, each release has ramped up the level of intensity and violence.  And it may not be very manly for me to suggest this, but I don't really like that he might continue heading in this direction.  I was raised on Schwarzenegger flicks in the 80's, and whet my martial arts beak with a full on Jackie Chan obsession in the 90's.  And although decidedly violent, these films still always had a slight element of humour to them (in Jackie's case, more then just slight).  And that's the one thing I find lacking from Tony Jaa.  He's a little too serious.

But, like I said, I can forgive him of almost anything so long as the movies keep coming.  And I don't offer that grace to just anyone.  Sounds like a Man Crush to me.

Proof of Awesomeness:

Man Crush #25: Jeremy Clarkson

Best Known For: BBC's Top Gear

Ok, so I just spent the entire last post explaining the purpose behind this list, and here, in the very first entry, I'm going to take it all back.  Because this entry is less about the man, and more about the show he represents.  In fact, I'm going to speak man crush blasphemy, and suggest that Clarkson isn't even my favorite Top Gear presenter.  I'm a James May man at heart.  And, sorry to spoil the surprize for you, but you're not going to find James May's name on this list.

So then, if he's not even my favorite person on his own show, what right does he have to appear on this great list of lists? Well, the answer to that is simple: Clarkson is Top Gear.  He is the face of the entire show.  Maybe my man crush is on Top Gear* more than on Clarkson himself, but if Clarkson is the embodiment of that show, then he certainly deserves to appear here as it's ambassador.

Besides, Clarkson gets to drive the best cars. 

...and he gets to drive them side ways. 

...with smoke pouring from the back tires.

...as he screams 'power!' at the top of his lungs. 

He has the best job on that show - maybe even on the entire planet -  and quite frankly, even if the cameras were not rolling, anyone that gets to do that for a living is going to be a hero of mine.  In fact, the only fault of his that I can think of is that he has a well-known hatred of motorcycles.  But pobody's nerfect.

My Jeremy Clarkson man crush is as simple as this: I love me some cars.  And I respect the hell out of a man that can powerslide them around a track, making it look easy, while he explains the finer points of said car in an entertaining yet informative manner.  As though anyone watching is really in the market for a $250,000 car.  Plus, he gets to travel the world (in those cars), having a blast with his friends and getting paid ungodly amounts of money to do it.

Now tell me you don't want that man's life.  I know I do.  And that alone is reason enough to find him in the number 25 spot on this list.

Proof of Awesomeness:


* I hate to say it, but Top Gear has been starting to lose it's lustre to me in the last few series.  It's like they're staging too many screw ups, and just generally trying too hard.  But let's not worry about that.  Let's instead choose to remember what Top Gear represents: Grown men, goofing around, driving very expensive cars in very irresponsible ways.  What's not to like about that?

It's Hetero, I Swear

Only the most awesome of guys need a really long-winded disclaimer to explain matters before finally getting to the point, so here you go:

There's really no other way to put this: this is going to come off a little gay.  Not gay as in lame.  More like two cowboys sharing a tent and not knowing how to quit each other.  That kind of gay.  But I assure you, it's not.  And I'm not trying to be homophobic.  I've got nothing against the gay community.  I mean, sure, I doubt very much that I'd be comfortable watching two guys making out in front of me, but the same is probably true for watching a dude and a chick make out.  My awkwardness is equal opportunity.  Two ladies making out?  Well, my unbiased nature can only go so far...

Actually, I'm kind of confused about the term homophobic.  A phobia is a fear, right?  But generally, isn't homophobia used more to describe intolerance?  Because usually homophobia has more to do with hate than it does fear, right?  Like, people don't jump up on chairs and scream when they see a gay dude like they might if they saw a mouse or a spider.  No, they just call them a fag and high five the nearest guy wearing the same Ed Hardy t-shirt as them.  Not really a phobia, just kind of douchey.  I'm officially adding homophobia to the list of terms that get misused.

Wait, what were we talking about again?  Oh, right, I was about to re-introduce you to a subject very near and dear to my heart:

The Man Crush.

I have many of them.  Maybe a few too many.  But, remember folks, there's nothing gay about this.  A man crush is not a physical attraction.  It's having the utmost respect and admiration for another dude.  It's all about awesomeness.  God-like basketball skills, a penchant for making awesome movies, hilarious interviews on talk shows.  Sure, a lot of this applies to sports and Hollywood, and often times a celebrity's persona can be carefully crafted and manipulated by their agents and the media.  But I don't care.  The mighty Man Crush lives on in spite of this.

And as such, over the next few weeks I am going to reveal to you my definitive list.  The Top 25 Hetero Man Crushes.  Feel free to move to the edge of your seat... now.

Green Grass and High Tides

As the faithful that read this here blog might recall, I wasn't exactly the poster child for a positive outlook on life a few months back.  I was lamenting my wasted youth, or some bullshit like that.  Which, really, in the grand scheme, is akin to complaining about having to pay 10¢ a litre more to put premium gasoline in your BMW.  Sure, it's an extra $5 dollars per tank, but you drive a frickin' lazy boy on wheels.  Some people's houses aren't even that nice.  Some people don't even have houses.

I'm not a very self-important person. I'm definitely not an "I'll step over who ever I need to, to get what I feel entitled to" kind of guy (sorry, Gordon Gekko).  As such, anytime I enter into a bit of self-loathing like that, I immediately feel guilty about it.  And yes, the irony of that is not lost on me.  I have so much, therefore I feel bad when I long for more.

But the problem is that the grass is always greener.  Or at least it always seems to be.  I mean, why shouldn't I be happy with what I've got?  I should be.  But really, is anyone ever 100% satisfied with their life?  Look at Tiger Woods.  A billion dollars in the bank, a Swedish supermodel for a wife.  Arguably the greatest golfer to ever step foot on this planet.  What more could a guy like that want?  Besides a few prostitutes.

The greatest player ever.  Not the greatest speech ever.

Look at Michael Jordan.  Same thing.  Considered by many to be the greatest player to ever lace up a pair of basketball sneakers.  But he was never happy.  And you might argue that never being satisfied was the reason he was so great.  And you might be right.  Because he was great.  But never happy. When you or I look at it from the outside, we think: how can you be Michael Jordan and still not be happy?  But just look at his Hall of Fame speech.  That epic twenty minutes probably gave you more insight into who Michael Jordan really is than any footage of him bouncing a basketball ever could.  And it was not pretty.  He turned a celebration of his career and achievements into a petty roasting of all those that 'wronged' him over the years.  During the broadcast they cut to a shot of Michael's high school coach just shaking his head in disbelief as MJ was digging into him, unable to understand what was happening or why.  Did Michael really buy him a $1000 ticket to the event just to be sure he was present as he aired his grievences?   John Stockton looked like a deer in the headlights as MJ laced into his old teammate Bryon Russell.  And considering Michael got the best of Bryon every single time they faced off, it seems odd that he would still hold such ill-will against him all these years later.  And it's because even now, even as he's been crowned the greatest there ever was, and perhaps ever will be, he's not happy.  I don't know where he thinks the greener grass is, but he's still looking for it.

Michael Jordan was never happy, Tiger Woods was never satisfied (pardon the double entendre...) Bill Gates?  Probably not either.  It wouldn't surprise me if Bill wakes up every morning and fires any staff member that's eating an apple for lunch.  He has everything, yet that one little fruit is still a torn in his side.  Insignificant as it is to his mighty empire, chances are he just can't look past it.  Can you name 3 more successful people by conventional standards?  And I'm not saying they're miserable (well, except for Tiger... right now) but they're never 100% happy with their life.  So how can I ever hope to be?

But Travis you say, those people are only considered successful financially and/or athletically.  There's far more to life than those hollow pursuits, and there's far better criteria with which to judge success.  And I agree.  A happy, healthy home is worth far more in the scheme of things than a multimillion dollar pay cheque.  But the grass is still always greener.  I love my family.  I love my friends.  I love my job, and my apartment, and my hobbies.  I love my life.  I truly do.  But it's cold here in the winter.  My job gets repetitive.  I don't drive a BMW.  There's always greener grass, and it's not all unattainable pipe dreams either.  Why couldn't I live in Hawaii?  Why couldn't I be editing the latest Will Ferrel movie instead of the same Capital EX orientation video that I've done 7 times.  Why couldn't I pick up a 2001 BMW for ten grand?

For sale right now.  $8000.

Well, just because the grass is greener, doesn't mean that it's better.  Sure, I'd never be cold living in Hawaii, but I'd have to make all new friends and see my family less than twice a year.  Sure, I'd feel more important editing a Hollywood movie, but I might be working 12 hour days, 7 days a week.  Right now I do 9 to 5 Monday through Friday.  With people I like.  And sure, my Cavalier might not be the sexiest car on the road, but it doesn't cost me three times as much to change the oil or brakes.  And that money I save lets me go to Hawaii when it gets cold.  Or Europe when I get bored.

And I like it when I'm feeling this way.  I like when even though I don't feel totally satisfied with life, I'm at least thankful for what I do have, and aware of the fact that what I don't have isn't always what I really need.  And that no one ever feels totally satisfied, and even when you have everything, you still look for more.  So, even though in some ways I feel like my life's in a bit of a rut these days, in other ways I feel like so far this might be one of the best starts to a year that I can remember. 

I know.  You wish I'd just write funny stuff in this blog.  You just want to be entertained, not bored when you come here.  But all I can do is write what's on my mind, and this was on my mind.  If you don't like it, hey, the grass is always greener on someone else's blog...

A long post about a Short Way

I hate to think that this blog is just a bunch of stuff that I write for Randy, because really, that's a little gay.  According to my 'followers' though, it's 67% women, so I'll just remind myself of that...

Especially when I do something like this: and basically just ask Randy what he wants me to write about.  Yes, I cater to him that much.

So what did he want me to talk about?  Well, him.  Of course.

For those of you unfamiliar with the major bullet points of my life, a few years back Randy and I worked on a little project together called The Short Way 'Cross.  In it's essence, it was simply us taking our love of Ewan and Charley's The Long Way Round a bit too far.  We rolled cameras on it, but I think even at the time, our expectations were pretty low.  We figured it would be closer to a video travel journal than a documentary.

Then a funny thing happened.  We loved it.  Not that we didn't expect to love the actual trip, but more so that we were surprized when the resulting footage ended up being an engaging and entertaining little story.  Or so we thought. 

A funny thing happens when something that you had low expectations of exceeds them in every conceivable way.  Suddenly we had something epic on our hands.  Everyone needed to see it.  We had to share our gift with the world.  We sent it to Ewan and Charley, we submitted it to the local film festival, hell, we even threw a gala screening for our friends and family.  Granted, our friends and family responded quite favorably, but really, they had to right?  The film festival?  Not so much.  Ewan and Charley?  Not at all.

The Gala

And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little crushed.  But, having had time to come to terms with the mere possibility that I am not universally loved and adored, perspective has been gained.  You see, if the film festival had heard about us making this video, they probably would have thought: 'that's going to suck.'  Then when they saw it, they might have been like: 'wait, that didn't suck, it was actually kind of good.'  But by having no low expectation to exceed, it stands to reason that on it's own, simply 'kind of good' didn't rock their world.  Ewan and Charley however, they have no excuse.

Which brings us to the Short Way Up (and to the left).  During the height of 'this is actually pretty good' hysteria, the inevitable sequel talk arose.  Bigger?  Of course.  Better?  Naturally.  Now... I'm not so sure.  Not about a sequel.  Just not about having to do everything to one-up the original.  Perspective.  On the 2 year anniversary of our original adventure, Randy and I sat down and watched it again.  And the experience couldn't have been more enjoyable.  We remembered the good times, laughed at all the jokes we had forgotten, and, had a hidden camera been locked on us the entire time, I can imagine that both of us would have had a stupid grin plastered across our face for the entire 52 minutes.

And that to me is what Short Way is all about.  It's not about perfect sound quality, wireless microphones, 16x9 widescreen, or high definition.  And it's certainly not about the disappointment I felt when I opened the rejection letter from the film festival.  Or when I didn't receive a letter from Ewan or Charley at all.  It's not about the approval of others.  Short Way is about that stupid grin on my face for 52 minutes.  And I wouldn't have Up (and to the left) any other way.