Lady Crush #3: Kristen Bell

Best Known For: Veronica Mars

Allow me to present to you a list of my Top 10 Favourite Television Shows of All Time. And I know what you're thinking: 'A list within a list, surely you've gone mad…'

I can't deny it. Seeing that such a list would probably make for a suitable topic of blogging once this current list has come to pass, it's practically being wasted here, out of context, with no explanation of why each show was ranked accordingly. This is madness indeed. And yet, I proceed in spite of it.

But, before you go running to the comments section to string me up for not including some obvious choices, allow me a quick disclaimer: I am by no means a television connoisseur.  The mere proof of which can be seen in the fact that I have never watched The Wire or The Sopranos, two shows largely considered by many to be the greatest ever spawned. Obviously, if I have not seen them, I can't put them on this list.  As such, this list is very likely to change over the years - I do fully intend to someday watch those aforementioned shows, as well as other highly praised series such as Mad Men and Friday Night Lights. But until then, they cannot appear here, sight unseen.

So, without further adieu, drum roll please…

10. Dexter
9. Top Gear (UK)
8. Flight of the Conchords
7. Breaking Bad
6. Veronica Mars
5. Southpark
4. Firefly
3. The Simpsons*
2. Arrested Development
1. Seinfeld

(Honourable Mentions: Futurama, The Office, The Long Way Round - which I removed from contention for being more of a mini-series than a television show)

First of all, please note that Star Trek: The Next Generation's omission from this list was not an oversight (sorry, Sneep). Secondly, I was just joking about not running to the comments section, feel free, debate away.

Next, draw your attention to item number six. That's right, this turned out to be just another very roundabout way of introducing this week's Lady Crush. Sure, I love me some Veronica Mars. It's the show that won Kirsten Bell a spot in my heart for life, and gave her a free pass for all the Couples Retreat's and When in Rome's that may come along and attempt to sully her good name. But it's not just the great character that she played on a great show that got her here. Like most of the ladies that made this list, especially at this high of a rank, she seems like she's pretty damned awesome in real life too. I don't know how many different ways I can tell you that I'm won over by a quick wit and a sharp tongue, but once again, Ms. Bell can easily put those qualities on her resume. Right under her ranking on this prestigious blog, of course.

Proof of Awesomeness:

*I consider seasons 3 through 7 of The Simpsons to be the greatest stretch of television ever created. That said, considering it's still being made, yet I haven't watched it on an ongoing basis for years, I couldn't in good conscience give it the top spot on this TV list.

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Lady Crush #4: Olivia Munn

Best known for: Attack of the Show

The debate has raged on for ages: Betty or Veronica?  And, although I'm much more of a brunette guy, and you can't help but be tempted by the rich family angle, in the end, the decision always seemed really obvious to me: Betty.  Hands down.

Veronica is probably the better looking of the two, but if a relationship is going to last beyond a couple of rolls in the hay, looks can only take you so far.  Besides, it's not like Betty is unattractive.  Whereas the problem with Veronica is... how can I put this nicely?  She's a little too high maintenance…

I've never much cared for the term 'tomboy', but I can't think of a better way to describe one of the most appealing traits that a woman can possess: being just like one of the guys.  A girl who drinks beer, eats hot wings, watches or (better yet) plays sports, likes action movies, plays video games, all while still having soft skin and smelling real purty.  I don't know about beer and hot wings, Archie never really got into it, but Betty was definitely the hot tomboy, and I was always confused by the mere notion that Archie would even put up with Veronica's crap when the superior Betty was obviously nuts for him.  If I was Jughead, I would have swooped in the very second that Archie let his guard down.  Even though it would have absolutely devastated Big Ethel.

Sorry, I read a lot of Archie growing up…

But, we'll move on from the Double Digest comparisons, because this Lady Crush isn't on Betty Cooper.  Not just because she's a fictional character, but also because I'd have to give some serious consideration towards Midge as well, and quite frankly, I just don't have the time or space on this blog to properly sort it out. 

No, in the end, this was all just an elaborate way to lead up to a discussion on the finer qualities of one Olivia Munn.  She plays the 'one of the guys' angle better than almost anyone.  'Sure, I love video games… but I also like dressing up like Slave Leia from Return of the Jedi.'  Hot and likes Star Wars?  Yes, please.

That said, I can't tell if it's all just an elaborate ruse or not.  Sometimes it seems like she's trying a bit too hard to play the 'I'm just a hot nerd' angle.  And really, I can't blame her - cornering the market on geeky dudes is a pretty smart and potentially lucrative way to go.  Making them think that she likes the same things that they like (when most other women shun them) and that they might even have a chance with a woman that's as hot as she is, is the sort of brilliant strategy that has resulted in a few decent pay cheques for Ms. Munn, I'm sure (as well as many a pair of soiled Batman Underoos).

But every time I see an interview where she's like 'oh yeah, I would totally date a geeky dude, I love nerds', I kind of roll my eyes and think 'Really? didn't you just steal Justin Timberlake away from Jessica Biel?'  I'm sorry, but he doesn't strike me as the kind of guy that collects Spider-Man Comics…

That said, even if I don't fully buy the whole 'hot geeky chick' angle, there's some things that can't be faked.  A strong sense of humour, a quick wit, and impeccable comic timing are pretty much at the top of that list.  Throw in a strong willingness to poke fun at herself, and an eagerness to do anything for a laugh, and well, Top 5 placement on this list doesn't seem like such an unlikely achievement.

Now, if only I can sort out whether or not I like Wilma or Betty more?  Stay tuned next week for a full debate.  Ah, who am I kidding?  That one is obviously Betty too. By a landslide.  Although I am starting to get a little concerned about my 'cartoon characters named Betty' fetish…

Proof of Awesomeness:

Lady Crush #5: Hayley Williams

Best Known For: Paramore

I suppose it all comes down to red hair.  Sure, I like Paramore plenty.  I'm not their number one fan or anything, but they write catchy tunes, and are great live.  What's not to like about that?  But this entry isn't about Paramore, it's about red hair.

And I'm not talking about natural, subtle red either.  I mean bright, vibrant, could-never-occur-in-nature, how-much-do-you-have-to-dye-that, unapologetically red hair.  Or orange hair. Or pink hair.  Or yellow hair.  It all depends on the week or what mood Hayley happens to be in.  And no, I didn't mean to say blonde.  I said yellow and I meant yellow.

Because it's hard to have hair that bright and loud and not be awesome.  It just is.  So when I first started tapping my toes to Misery Business back in the summer of 2007, and then saw the fiery mane attached to the spunky lead singer that was belting out this catchy tune, I was naturally and instantly quite smitten.

Then I saw that she was 17 and suddenly felt very old and dirty.

But that didn't stop the awesomeness from shining through.  And although I argue that this list is all about that awesomeness factor, I would be lying if I didn't admit that by being a few years into her twenties now, and making me feel much less creepy for having a crush on her, has certainly not hindered her ranking on this list.

Of course, gaining mainstream success from having a song on the Twilight Soundtrack didn't really help matters, but seeing that Hayley seemingly kept her head about her made it a much easier pill to swallow.  If anything, by shrugging off the fame, she became even cooler in the face of stardom, which is not something that you can say about many people associated with the Twilight Saga.  And I use the term 'saga' very loosely.

Plus, she head-bangs and runs around on stage like she just drank 5 Red Bulls, most of her twitter/blog posts are about eating, she hand-crafts a lot of her own on-stage attire (including the ever-awesome Girl Scout Uniform), she's one of the few that actually plugs in her mic at awards shows when most other performers choose to lip sync, and despite being a multimillionaire, she owns an old Mazda, lovingly referred to as Miss Anne, plastered in bumper stickers and flair which would make most of us ashamed to even be seen standing next to it, and yet she drives it around with a sense of pride.  That's pretty much the definition of Awesome Sauce.

She may be down to Earth, funny, and talented, and sure, that's a pretty easy way to get your name on this list.  But to crack the Top 5?  Well for that it takes a little extra.  Something special.  A little je ne sais quoi. And in the end, it all comes down to red hair.

Proof of Awesomeness:

I mean, how awesome is that house?  I know I kind of touched on it with the car, but really, how many times has MTV done a Cribs that wasn't some gaudy mansion?  Suddenly this number 5 ranking feels low...

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Lady Crush #6: Sarah Silverman

Best known for: The Sarah Silverman Program

I don't offend easily.  Especially when it comes to humour.  Tell me an off-colour joke, whether it be racist, sexist, homophobic, religious, or just plain filthy, so long as the punchline is clever, chances are that I'll laugh at it.

And what if those same jokes happen to be told by a moderately-attractive, innocent-looking, seemingly-sweet, young, jewish girl?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that is how Lady Crushes are born.

Sure, the formula is simple:  A pretty girl with a dirty mouth.  On paper it seems relatively juvenile and maybe even a little gimmicky.  And maybe for some it is.  But I've laughed too many times as a result of Ms. Silverman's lewd tongue to do her the disservice of keeping her off of this prestigious list.

So how does she do it?  Well, even though you know going into it that most of her humour thrives on being offensive, you still let your guard down.  And not just because she's a girl and seems so bubbly and sweet, but because she doesn't embellish the punchlines.  Her delivery is deceivingly deadpan (not Leslie Nielsen deadpan, but deadpan none-the-less).  So, once your guard is down and you think you're just listening to a normal story, she'll use her well-honed comedic timing to slide in something excessively vulgar, and yet still, you won't always catch it at first.  You sort of listen for a couple more beats before you could practically cue the clichéd record scratch sound effect and go: 'Wait a second, did she just say what I think she did?'

It's called Shock Value kids, and she wields it like a hammer.

Sure, it's kind of gimmicky.  Sure, sometimes it seems like a bit of 'shock over substance'.  But most of the time - when she's really 'on' - and finds that perfect balance, there's few people that can do what she does.  And do it so damned well.

Unfortunately she's never found a proper vehicle for her humour outside of stand up.  Her run on Saturday Night Live ended after one season (via a fax no less) when none of her sketches made it past dress rehearsal.  Then, for some reason, they had her and Eugene Levy play the straight roles on Greg the Bunny, which, when a show squanders it's two biggest comedic talents like that, it's pretty much doomed to fail.  And finally, although it came the closest to bringing her brand of humour to television, The Sarah Silverman Program was still cancelled despite a desperate campaign to keep it alive.

Which all just goes to show that she's definitely not for everyone.  Television executives in particular.  Obviously when your entire style of comedy is predicated on trying to offend people, that tends to be the case.  But I'm not a television executive, I don't offend easily.  I do however, develop Lady Crushes. And I've developed a pretty decent one on Sarah Silverman.

Proof of Awesomeness:

Lady Crush #7: Kat Dennings

Best Known For: Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

There was a time when I looked down my nose at blogs.  I'm sure it seems impossible to fathom at this point, but there was most certainly a time.  So much so, that when I first decided to start blogging, I dedicated the entire first post to defending my decision to blog.  Then, even once that blog had been well received and I decided to continue on (in the form of this blog which you are currently reading) I once again felt the need to explain myself.

And no one was even questioning the decision at the time.  I was defending it to no one (although maybe I was defending it to myself).  Needless to say, I was skeptical of blogs, and even borderline condemned them.  So what changed?  What made me loosen my harsh stance on blogs?

Well...

Before I had embraced the idea of blogging or bloggers there was Kat Dennings.  She was one of the first blogs I ever read, and one of the first that I ever bookmarked for future visits.  And I didn't really even know her as an actor at the time.

In fact, I'm not even sure how I got turned onto her blog in the first place.  Regardless.  How can you not love a person that posts something like this:

My lip is bleeding and I don't know why. I don't recall making out with a lawnmower...although anything can happen when under the influence of ice water."

That one random line is funnier than anything I have ever written.  How could I not be smitten?

In the end, I've loosened my stance on blogs in general, and in some small way, you might even say that Kat Dennings is somewhat responsible for what you're reading today.  It's up to you to decide whether to love her or hate her as a result.

But not all is sunshine and unicorns.  With the advent of Twitter, her once brilliant blog has dried up significantly over the past 2 years.  Posts started moving from being weeks apart to entire months.  And we're now sitting at damn near a year since her last entry.  Don't get me wrong, her Tweets are good.  But I need my Kat in long form.  140 characters or less just doesn't cut it.

Alas, this is simply the current state of the world that we live in.  Her brilliant non-sequitur humour goes untapped, while hacks like me post on a weekly basis.

Oh well, we'll always have 2006...

Proof of Awesomeness: