Top 10 Schwarzenegger Movies (#8)

Twins
Character: Julius Benedict
Year: 1988

I get the feeling Arnold has a pretty big ego.  It's not necessarily a bad thing - it's probably impossible not to have one and still succeed in bodybuilding, politics and Hollywood -  but if you've been following this blog for any amount of time, you probably realize by now that I'm a fan of humble.  People that don't take themselves too seriously.  And often, the best way to determine such a thing, seeing that I'll never know any of these people in real life, is whether the person is willing to poke fun at themselves.

One would think that Twins then, would be the proof in Arnold's pudding.  A pure comedy, poking fun at Arnold's action hero roots and all that good stuff.  Only I watched it last night (are you seeing a pattern here?) and although he's a good sport about it all, there was something about it that just didn't sell me on the whole 'I don't take myself too seriously' angle that I'm sure he was going for.  Sure, he plays the fish-out-of-water perfectly, and the 'DeVito/Arnold as twins' angle is a pretty solid movie pitch, but I still think Arnold's ego is all over this movie.

He plays 'the perfect man', engineered in a lab, and the pinnacle of modern science.  Sure the gags are all at his expense, but never really in a way that he actually has to be able to laugh at himself in order for them to work.  The jokes are more along the lines of 'his muscles are too big', 'he loves helping orphans too much', 'Kelly Preston wants to seduce him too badly'.  I mean, it's still a good, enjoyable, funny movie.  But I get the feeling that Arnold read the script and was like 'good, now people can see my funny and softer side... oh hey, here on page 10, how about I beat up a guy with an axe?'

Top 10 Schwarzenegger Movies (#9)

Commando
Character: John Matrix
Year: 1985

There are three things that you should know prior to reading this post:  First of all, I plotted out the full order of this Top 10 list last Friday, based mostly on old memories, nostalgia and gut instinct (interestingly, I had come up with the idea for the list and decided that it would be my next blog project long before Arnold admitted to all the nanny stuff... the timing and sudden pop-culture relevance is pure coincidence, I swear).  Second, I had not seen many of the films on this list in a very long time - Commando especially so (I might have actually been 12 or 13 the last time that I did).  And third (and perhaps most importantly), I watched it again last night.

And I'm not going to lie.  It was bad.

Sure, the last time I watched it I was young, and at that time, blissfully ignorant of any short-comings that a movie may have had, so long as there were guns and explosions.  And even though it had been a while,  I was still not entirely unaware of the movie's reputation: it's laughable plot, tacked on romance (of which most was cut from the final movie because it was so bad), and over-the-top violence.  Heck, I had even read the three-part blog making fun of the movie a couple years ago (which might not have been worth mentioning, except for the fact that it was written by the film's director - part 2 and 3 here).  So obviously I knew what to expect going in.  But it still must be said: Commando is bad.

Which is why I wanted to watch it again all these years later.  I wanted to make sure that I wasn't making a huge mistake by putting it on this list.  But if it's so bad, and I had left myself enough time to change my mind before committing to it's spot on the list, how come you're still reading about it now?

Well, the thing is, being bad isn't always a bad thing.  I hate to get too cliché, but it really is the perfect example of 'so bad that it's good'.  I mean, the one-liners are flowing, any excuse to show off Arnold's impressive physique is utilized, bullets bounce right off of him as he mows down an entire army of bad guys, his character's name is ridiculous, the main villain looks and acts even more ridiculous, and at one point Arnold rips a seat right out of a car and gets in, for no other reason than... well, actually, I still haven't figured out why he did that.

Commando really is the perfect example of 80's action movie excess.  Which pretty much makes it the perfect example of a Schwarzenegger movie as well.  And if for no other reason than that, it has earned it's spot on this list.

Top 10 Schwarzenegger Movies (#10)

Red Heat
Character: Capt. Ivan Danko
Year: 1988

Let's get this out of the way right now, I have nothing against James Belushi.  Most people do.  Sure, John was and always will be the 'better Belushi', and Jim will always live in his shadow as a result.  But that's no reason to hate the guy.  A lot of people seem to form strong opinions based on very little actual personal experience.  For example, a person hears that haggis is sheep guts, cooked in the animal's stomach, and immediately they have formed a vehement hatred of it without having researched the actual ingredients or, god forbid, having tried it for themselves.

The same seems to be true of Jim Belushi.  I don't know how many people have actually seen his shows or movies, but a lot of people really dislike him.  I've never seen According to Jim.  I probably would hate it, and perhaps even him, if I did.  But I haven't, so I'm not going to jump to conclusions.  I remain indifferent to him.  I think the world would be a much better place if more people just remained indifferent to the things that have absolutely no effect on them.  But that's a topic for another, much more serious day.

Today's decidedly non-serious topic, however,  is Red Heat.  And the whole point of the last two paragraphs was to preemptively put a stop to any comments of the "Eww, how can you like a Jim Belushi movie?" variety before you bother even making them.  Because I kind of liked this movie.  Sure, it's just a mountain of cliches (buddy cop, fish out of water, we're not so different after all, etc...) and it doesn't even do any of those cliches particularly well, but it was still fun, dammit.  Sprinkle in a young Gina Gershon, a pre-fame Laurence Fishburne and Arnold at the top of his game, and you have all the makings for a cinema classic.

It didn't end up being one, but that's beside the point.

Top 10 Favourite Arnold Schwarzenegger Movies

Several times during my favourite car lists I poked fun at the Eighties.  Any chance I got, I was quick to point out how terrible an era that it was for cars.  And music.  And fashion.  And culture.

The same cannot be said for movies.  The eighties was a great time for cinema.  And at it's forefront was a difficult-to-understand, impossibly-muscled, charming and quick-witted action god.  And although I was too young at the time to actually see his movies during the decade in which they were released, I spent many an hour making up for lost time by watching and re-watching them all during the nineties.  Plus everything new that was released in the multiplex during that time as well (yes, even Junior...)

And although he's fallen too far from his once-lofty peak to be considered a current Man Crush, he would undoubtedly be in my Man Crush Hall of Fame.  The Pantheon, if you will.  And it is with that in mind that I present to you my ten favourite Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.

Top 10 Favourite Cars (Pre-1950)

Ok, I lied.  Like a junkie trying to get off heroin, I need to ween myself off of Car Lists.  I can't just go cold-turkey.  I need a little methadone.

And that's exactly what this post is going to be.  Methadone.  Not as good as real heroin, but it will have to do.  You see, as I've mentioned before, I'm not really that passionate about the pre-war era of cars.  There's some fun stuff, sure, but when it comes to sorting them into a Top Ten list, I just simply don't have a horse in this race.  I was still able to hunt down a few that look kind of cool, even if they're not particularly near-and-dear to my heart, and as such, I can put them in order based on my gut reaction to them.  But this is by no means a definitive list.

Basically what I'm trying to convey here is that, unlike previous lists - where I hemmed and hawed, and scrutinized every car, and made sure that each was in the proper order on the list -  this week, I'm pretty much just looking at the pictures and going 'yeah, that looks cool, I'll make it number 5...'

Also, I apologize for the short write ups that each are likely to receive.  When you're not passionate about a car, you tend not to have a whole lot to say about it either.

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1949 Oldsmobile Rocket 88

Layout: Front Engine, Rear Wheel Drive

Engine: 5.0 L V8

Horsepower: 135 bhp

Torque: unknown

Curb Weight: unknown

Top Speed: unknown

Zero to Sixty: unknown

Although fairly different compared to the other cars on this list, it's still pre-1950, and it definitely deserves to be here.  Why?  Because even though the GTO popularized it, the Rocket 88 is considered by many people to be the first true Muscle Car.

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1930 Mercedes-Benz 770

Layout: Front Engine, Rear Wheel Drive

Engine: 7.7 L Inline-8

Horsepower: 150 bhp

Torque: unknown

Curb Weight: unknown

Top Speed: 100 mph

Zero to Sixty: unknown

I'm a little torn about putting a vehicle on this list that was once the personal car of Adolf Hitler.  But I guess you can't really blame Mercedes for making the best car available at the time.  I mean, it's not like they could have told the Führer that they'd rather he wasn't seen in their cars.  Besides, if Michael Jordan can try to bring back the famous Hitler mustache, I think it's relatively safe for me to list a German Luxury car from the 30's at number nine.  Or should I say, number nein?

(Note to the easily offended: that wasn't a holocaust joke.  It was just a really shitty pun.)

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1938 Bugatti Type 57SC Atlantic

Layout: Front Engine, Rear Wheel Drive

Engine: 3.3 L Inline-8

Horsepower: 210 bhp

Torque: unknown

Curb Weight: 2101 lbs

Top Speed: 125 mph

Zero to Sixty: 10 seconds

Oh, Bugatti, even back in the 30's you were making cars that were absolutely insane.  Don't ever change.

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1934 Mercedes-Benz 500K

Layout: Front Engine, Rear Wheel Drive

Engine: 5.0 L Straight-8

Horsepower: 160 bhp

Torque: unknown

Curb Weight: 6000 lbs

Top Speed: 100 mph

Zero to Sixty: unknown

I think this car was the inspiration for the one that Cruella De Vil drove in the One Hundred and One Dalmatians cartoon.  If that alone doesn't justify seventh place, I don't know what will. (Ok, after a quick search, it was actually the Bugatti Royale, but I have nothing better to say about this car, so I'm just going to leave it as is).

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1937 Alfa Romeo 8C 2900B

Layout: Front Engine, Rear Wheel Drive

Engine: 2.9 L Inline-8

Horsepower: 180 bhp

Torque: unknown

Curb Weight: 2755 lbs

Top Speed: unknown

Zero to Sixty: unknown

Let's get the obvious out of the way right now.  It's very phallic (although I suppose most cars from this era were).  In fact, if we're still pointing out which cars might have inspired certain cartoons, then I think this one could easily be considered as the basis for the sports car that Peter bought in Family Guy to overcompensate for not having a big enough... well, you know.

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1936 Delahaye 135 S Court Competition Teardrop Coupe

Layout: Front Engine, Rear Wheel Drive

Engine: 3.2 L Straight-6

Horsepower: 110 bhp

Torque: unknown

Curb Weight: 2800 lbs

Top Speed: 92 mph

Zero to Sixty: unknown

Now we're talking.  I quite enjoy the rounded, flared fender look that come out of this era.  I'd never heard of Delahaye prior to seeing this picture, but this is exactly what I would be looking for if I ever wanted a car from the 30's.

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1930 Mercedes-Benz SSK "Count Trossi"

Layout: Front Engine, Rear Wheel Drive

Engine: 7.1 L Straight-6

Horsepower: 300 bhp

Torque: 507 ft lbs

Curb Weight: 3750 lbs

Top Speed: 120 mph

Zero to Sixty: unknown

This one was actually designed by Ferdinand Porsche.  It was the last thing he ever did for Mercedes before leaving to try his hand at his own automobile company.  And we all know how that turned out...

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1907 Rolls Royce 40/50 Silver Ghost

Layout: Front Engine, Rear Wheel Drive

Engine: 7.0 L Straight-6

Horsepower: 48 bhp

Torque: unknown

Curb Weight: unknown

Top Speed: unknown

Zero to Sixty: unknown

This car is considered by many to be the most valuable in the world.  If you thought $10 million for a Ferrari was bad, this one has a current estimated value of $57 million.

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1935 Lancia Astura 233C Aerodynamica

Layout: Front Engine, Rear Wheel Drive

Engine: 3.0 L V8

Horsepower: 82 bhp

Torque: unknown

Curb Weight: 3968 lbs

Top Speed: 79 mph

Zero to Sixty: 20 seconds

Just like the Delahaye at number five, this one has the swooping lines and teardrop fenders that I love from this era.  Factor in the  Lancia badge and we almost have top spot material.

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1932 Ford Model B De Luxe Coupe

Layout: Front Engine, Rear Wheel Drive

Engine: 3.6 L V8

Horsepower: 65 bhp

Torque: unknown

Curb Weight: unknown

Top Speed: unknown

Zero to Sixty: unknown

...almost.

Sure, judging by the above picture alone, this car might not seem like number one spot material.  Au contraire.  You see, while most of the other cars on this list have no real place in my car-lovin' heart, the Model B most certainly does.  Forget T-Bucket Roadsters and the like.  With the exception of maybe the '57 Chevy, the Deuce Coupe is my favourite Hot Rod style ever.

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Honourable Mentions:
1931 Cadillac 452A V16 All-Weather Phaeton
1925 Rolls Royce Phantom I
1936 Rolls Royce 25/30