Lady Crush #3: Kristen Bell

Best Known For: Veronica Mars

Allow me to present to you a list of my Top 10 Favourite Television Shows of All Time. And I know what you're thinking: 'A list within a list, surely you've gone mad…'

I can't deny it. Seeing that such a list would probably make for a suitable topic of blogging once this current list has come to pass, it's practically being wasted here, out of context, with no explanation of why each show was ranked accordingly. This is madness indeed. And yet, I proceed in spite of it.

But, before you go running to the comments section to string me up for not including some obvious choices, allow me a quick disclaimer: I am by no means a television connoisseur.  The mere proof of which can be seen in the fact that I have never watched The Wire or The Sopranos, two shows largely considered by many to be the greatest ever spawned. Obviously, if I have not seen them, I can't put them on this list.  As such, this list is very likely to change over the years - I do fully intend to someday watch those aforementioned shows, as well as other highly praised series such as Mad Men and Friday Night Lights. But until then, they cannot appear here, sight unseen.

So, without further adieu, drum roll please…

10. Dexter
9. Top Gear (UK)
8. Flight of the Conchords
7. Breaking Bad
6. Veronica Mars
5. Southpark
4. Firefly
3. The Simpsons*
2. Arrested Development
1. Seinfeld

(Honourable Mentions: Futurama, The Office, The Long Way Round - which I removed from contention for being more of a mini-series than a television show)

First of all, please note that Star Trek: The Next Generation's omission from this list was not an oversight (sorry, Sneep). Secondly, I was just joking about not running to the comments section, feel free, debate away.

Next, draw your attention to item number six. That's right, this turned out to be just another very roundabout way of introducing this week's Lady Crush. Sure, I love me some Veronica Mars. It's the show that won Kirsten Bell a spot in my heart for life, and gave her a free pass for all the Couples Retreat's and When in Rome's that may come along and attempt to sully her good name. But it's not just the great character that she played on a great show that got her here. Like most of the ladies that made this list, especially at this high of a rank, she seems like she's pretty damned awesome in real life too. I don't know how many different ways I can tell you that I'm won over by a quick wit and a sharp tongue, but once again, Ms. Bell can easily put those qualities on her resume. Right under her ranking on this prestigious blog, of course.

Proof of Awesomeness:

*I consider seasons 3 through 7 of The Simpsons to be the greatest stretch of television ever created. That said, considering it's still being made, yet I haven't watched it on an ongoing basis for years, I couldn't in good conscience give it the top spot on this TV list.

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Lady Crush #4: Olivia Munn

Best known for: Attack of the Show

The debate has raged on for ages: Betty or Veronica?  And, although I'm much more of a brunette guy, and you can't help but be tempted by the rich family angle, in the end, the decision always seemed really obvious to me: Betty.  Hands down.

Veronica is probably the better looking of the two, but if a relationship is going to last beyond a couple of rolls in the hay, looks can only take you so far.  Besides, it's not like Betty is unattractive.  Whereas the problem with Veronica is... how can I put this nicely?  She's a little too high maintenance…

I've never much cared for the term 'tomboy', but I can't think of a better way to describe one of the most appealing traits that a woman can possess: being just like one of the guys.  A girl who drinks beer, eats hot wings, watches or (better yet) plays sports, likes action movies, plays video games, all while still having soft skin and smelling real purty.  I don't know about beer and hot wings, Archie never really got into it, but Betty was definitely the hot tomboy, and I was always confused by the mere notion that Archie would even put up with Veronica's crap when the superior Betty was obviously nuts for him.  If I was Jughead, I would have swooped in the very second that Archie let his guard down.  Even though it would have absolutely devastated Big Ethel.

Sorry, I read a lot of Archie growing up…

But, we'll move on from the Double Digest comparisons, because this Lady Crush isn't on Betty Cooper.  Not just because she's a fictional character, but also because I'd have to give some serious consideration towards Midge as well, and quite frankly, I just don't have the time or space on this blog to properly sort it out. 

No, in the end, this was all just an elaborate way to lead up to a discussion on the finer qualities of one Olivia Munn.  She plays the 'one of the guys' angle better than almost anyone.  'Sure, I love video games… but I also like dressing up like Slave Leia from Return of the Jedi.'  Hot and likes Star Wars?  Yes, please.

That said, I can't tell if it's all just an elaborate ruse or not.  Sometimes it seems like she's trying a bit too hard to play the 'I'm just a hot nerd' angle.  And really, I can't blame her - cornering the market on geeky dudes is a pretty smart and potentially lucrative way to go.  Making them think that she likes the same things that they like (when most other women shun them) and that they might even have a chance with a woman that's as hot as she is, is the sort of brilliant strategy that has resulted in a few decent pay cheques for Ms. Munn, I'm sure (as well as many a pair of soiled Batman Underoos).

But every time I see an interview where she's like 'oh yeah, I would totally date a geeky dude, I love nerds', I kind of roll my eyes and think 'Really? didn't you just steal Justin Timberlake away from Jessica Biel?'  I'm sorry, but he doesn't strike me as the kind of guy that collects Spider-Man Comics…

That said, even if I don't fully buy the whole 'hot geeky chick' angle, there's some things that can't be faked.  A strong sense of humour, a quick wit, and impeccable comic timing are pretty much at the top of that list.  Throw in a strong willingness to poke fun at herself, and an eagerness to do anything for a laugh, and well, Top 5 placement on this list doesn't seem like such an unlikely achievement.

Now, if only I can sort out whether or not I like Wilma or Betty more?  Stay tuned next week for a full debate.  Ah, who am I kidding?  That one is obviously Betty too. By a landslide.  Although I am starting to get a little concerned about my 'cartoon characters named Betty' fetish…

Proof of Awesomeness:

Lady Crush #5: Hayley Williams

Best Known For: Paramore

I suppose it all comes down to red hair.  Sure, I like Paramore plenty.  I'm not their number one fan or anything, but they write catchy tunes, and are great live.  What's not to like about that?  But this entry isn't about Paramore, it's about red hair.

And I'm not talking about natural, subtle red either.  I mean bright, vibrant, could-never-occur-in-nature, how-much-do-you-have-to-dye-that, unapologetically red hair.  Or orange hair. Or pink hair.  Or yellow hair.  It all depends on the week or what mood Hayley happens to be in.  And no, I didn't mean to say blonde.  I said yellow and I meant yellow.

Because it's hard to have hair that bright and loud and not be awesome.  It just is.  So when I first started tapping my toes to Misery Business back in the summer of 2007, and then saw the fiery mane attached to the spunky lead singer that was belting out this catchy tune, I was naturally and instantly quite smitten.

Then I saw that she was 17 and suddenly felt very old and dirty.

But that didn't stop the awesomeness from shining through.  And although I argue that this list is all about that awesomeness factor, I would be lying if I didn't admit that by being a few years into her twenties now, and making me feel much less creepy for having a crush on her, has certainly not hindered her ranking on this list.

Of course, gaining mainstream success from having a song on the Twilight Soundtrack didn't really help matters, but seeing that Hayley seemingly kept her head about her made it a much easier pill to swallow.  If anything, by shrugging off the fame, she became even cooler in the face of stardom, which is not something that you can say about many people associated with the Twilight Saga.  And I use the term 'saga' very loosely.

Plus, she head-bangs and runs around on stage like she just drank 5 Red Bulls, most of her twitter/blog posts are about eating, she hand-crafts a lot of her own on-stage attire (including the ever-awesome Girl Scout Uniform), she's one of the few that actually plugs in her mic at awards shows when most other performers choose to lip sync, and despite being a multimillionaire, she owns an old Mazda, lovingly referred to as Miss Anne, plastered in bumper stickers and flair which would make most of us ashamed to even be seen standing next to it, and yet she drives it around with a sense of pride.  That's pretty much the definition of Awesome Sauce.

She may be down to Earth, funny, and talented, and sure, that's a pretty easy way to get your name on this list.  But to crack the Top 5?  Well for that it takes a little extra.  Something special.  A little je ne sais quoi. And in the end, it all comes down to red hair.

Proof of Awesomeness:

I mean, how awesome is that house?  I know I kind of touched on it with the car, but really, how many times has MTV done a Cribs that wasn't some gaudy mansion?  Suddenly this number 5 ranking feels low...

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Lady Crush #6: Sarah Silverman

Best known for: The Sarah Silverman Program

I don't offend easily.  Especially when it comes to humour.  Tell me an off-colour joke, whether it be racist, sexist, homophobic, religious, or just plain filthy, so long as the punchline is clever, chances are that I'll laugh at it.

And what if those same jokes happen to be told by a moderately-attractive, innocent-looking, seemingly-sweet, young, jewish girl?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that is how Lady Crushes are born.

Sure, the formula is simple:  A pretty girl with a dirty mouth.  On paper it seems relatively juvenile and maybe even a little gimmicky.  And maybe for some it is.  But I've laughed too many times as a result of Ms. Silverman's lewd tongue to do her the disservice of keeping her off of this prestigious list.

So how does she do it?  Well, even though you know going into it that most of her humour thrives on being offensive, you still let your guard down.  And not just because she's a girl and seems so bubbly and sweet, but because she doesn't embellish the punchlines.  Her delivery is deceivingly deadpan (not Leslie Nielsen deadpan, but deadpan none-the-less).  So, once your guard is down and you think you're just listening to a normal story, she'll use her well-honed comedic timing to slide in something excessively vulgar, and yet still, you won't always catch it at first.  You sort of listen for a couple more beats before you could practically cue the clichéd record scratch sound effect and go: 'Wait a second, did she just say what I think she did?'

It's called Shock Value kids, and she wields it like a hammer.

Sure, it's kind of gimmicky.  Sure, sometimes it seems like a bit of 'shock over substance'.  But most of the time - when she's really 'on' - and finds that perfect balance, there's few people that can do what she does.  And do it so damned well.

Unfortunately she's never found a proper vehicle for her humour outside of stand up.  Her run on Saturday Night Live ended after one season (via a fax no less) when none of her sketches made it past dress rehearsal.  Then, for some reason, they had her and Eugene Levy play the straight roles on Greg the Bunny, which, when a show squanders it's two biggest comedic talents like that, it's pretty much doomed to fail.  And finally, although it came the closest to bringing her brand of humour to television, The Sarah Silverman Program was still cancelled despite a desperate campaign to keep it alive.

Which all just goes to show that she's definitely not for everyone.  Television executives in particular.  Obviously when your entire style of comedy is predicated on trying to offend people, that tends to be the case.  But I'm not a television executive, I don't offend easily.  I do however, develop Lady Crushes. And I've developed a pretty decent one on Sarah Silverman.

Proof of Awesomeness:

Lady Crush #7: Kat Dennings

Best Known For: Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

There was a time when I looked down my nose at blogs.  I'm sure it seems impossible to fathom at this point, but there was most certainly a time.  So much so, that when I first decided to start blogging, I dedicated the entire first post to defending my decision to blog.  Then, even once that blog had been well received and I decided to continue on (in the form of this blog which you are currently reading) I once again felt the need to explain myself.

And no one was even questioning the decision at the time.  I was defending it to no one (although maybe I was defending it to myself).  Needless to say, I was skeptical of blogs, and even borderline condemned them.  So what changed?  What made me loosen my harsh stance on blogs?

Well...

Before I had embraced the idea of blogging or bloggers there was Kat Dennings.  She was one of the first blogs I ever read, and one of the first that I ever bookmarked for future visits.  And I didn't really even know her as an actor at the time.

In fact, I'm not even sure how I got turned onto her blog in the first place.  Regardless.  How can you not love a person that posts something like this:

My lip is bleeding and I don't know why. I don't recall making out with a lawnmower...although anything can happen when under the influence of ice water."

That one random line is funnier than anything I have ever written.  How could I not be smitten?

In the end, I've loosened my stance on blogs in general, and in some small way, you might even say that Kat Dennings is somewhat responsible for what you're reading today.  It's up to you to decide whether to love her or hate her as a result.

But not all is sunshine and unicorns.  With the advent of Twitter, her once brilliant blog has dried up significantly over the past 2 years.  Posts started moving from being weeks apart to entire months.  And we're now sitting at damn near a year since her last entry.  Don't get me wrong, her Tweets are good.  But I need my Kat in long form.  140 characters or less just doesn't cut it.

Alas, this is simply the current state of the world that we live in.  Her brilliant non-sequitur humour goes untapped, while hacks like me post on a weekly basis.

Oh well, we'll always have 2006...

Proof of Awesomeness:

Lady Crush #8: Zooey Deschanel

Best Known For: Yes Man

Thus far my Lady Crushes have been divided between 2 pretty specific categories: musicians and actresses.  But what about a lady that's both a musician and an actress?

Bam!

That just happened.

I know, she seems like purpose-built Hipster Bait, but I don't care.  She still manages to win me over.  Even when she's kind of a miserable cow (I resisted using another C Word there…) like she was in (500) Days of Summer, she still does no wrong by me.  Plus, I saw She & Him in concert last year, and damn if they didn't win me over as well.

And that's all I really have to say.  Sorry, I know you've come to expect a certain level of quality (or at least quantity) in these Crush posts, but today I shall leave with you neither.

I will however take this opportunity to point out that I'm sure the winner of the First Annual Blog Contest of Awesomeness has received his prize by now, and it saddens me to think that he would not alleviate the suspense for his fellow readers by revealing what the prize turned out to be.  Perhaps a grass-roots, good old fashioned flaming in the comments section by his peers will bring him out of hiding.

Let me get you guys started:

"Pretty lame, Sneep.  Pretty Lame..."  -Travis

Proof of Awesomeness:

Lady Crush #9: Natalie Portman

Best Known For:  The Star Wars prequels

I consider myself a child of the nineties.  But still, a lot of my early childhood was still carved out in the eighties.  I went through all the embarrassing fads and horrible music.  I was too young to understand why the C4 Corvette was a shell of the vehicle's former glory.  And above all else, I loved a good mindless action movie.

My tastes were pretty simple: wall-to-wall action, keep the tacked-on romantic subplot to a minimum (girls still had cooties), and blow a lot of shit up.  Basically, I had the movie-going appetite at 10 that Randy has today. 

Of course, unlike Randy, I eventually grew out of it.  Well, sort of.  I still enjoy a good action romp, only now I understand the difference between a good movie and a bad one.  I like a little character development, I appreciate if the plot makes sense, and I don't mind if things don't blow up as much if it makes the movie a little more feasible.  That's why when I go back and watch Commando, or Time Cop, or Die Hard 2, I kind of bury my face in my hands and wonder how I could have ever considered these to be 'good movies'.

I still enjoy them, don't get me wrong, but at least now I understand that as movies they're really quite terrible.  Terrible is not always a bad thing - entertainment has it's value - but at least I know to file a movie under 'guilty pleasure' rather than announcing it as the 'best movie ever', which I'm sure 12-year-old Travis did a few too many times for some down right embarrassing titles.  Basically, I've come to realize that the best movies aren't always your favourite and your favourite movies aren't always the best.

So when I go back and see a movie that I originally only liked because it was a good action flick, yet it actually holds up as a good movie?  Well, that warms the cockles of my heart.  It makes me feel like maybe I didn't have such shitty taste as a child.  And it helps to cement Lady Crushes in stone.

That's right, this long, drawn out, and altogether tedious intro actually has something to do with Lady Crushes.  In this case Natalie Portman, and in this instance because of a little movie called The Professional (or Léon, for all you hipster movie snobs out there…)

I remember thoroughly enjoying this flick as a preteen, but I mean, why wouldn't I?  A hitman, a killer opening sequence, an over-the-top villain and a big explosion at the end?  That was pretty much the stuff that I would have masturbated to, had my testicles descended by that point in my life.

(sorry)

But, watching it a few years later, once my tastes had become more discerning, it's actually a good flick.  And at the heart of it is a pretty stellar performance from a 13-year-old Natalie Portman.  She followed it up with a solid turn in Heat (another movie I was able to pleasantly discover as being actually quite good) and eventually became one of the few bright spots in what could only be considered a huge Star Wars Fan's biggest disappointment ever, The Phantom Menace.

Throw in a sense of humour and genuine smarts, and combine them with her flawless good looks, and well, she might be more than just a Lady Crush, she might actually be the perfect* woman.

Proof of Awesomeness:

*Wait, she's vegan?  Nevermind...
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Lady Crush #10: Brody Dalle

Best Known For: The Distillers

So far it has seemed like my Crushes (of both the man and lady variety) have had an underlying theme to them: sense of humour.  With the exception of Tony Jaa & Hakeem Olajuwon, I would argue that every single one of my Man Crushes was known for having a good sense of humour or at the very least, a willingness to poke a little fun at themselves.  The same can be said for most of the names on this Lady Crush list as well.

So, then, how could we possibly be cracking the prestigious Top 10 of this list with a name that is not very well known for possessing a sense of humour at all?  And, not only that, but as deserving as I feel she is of it, why am I going to have such a difficult time justifying this high of a ranking?  You see, unlike the other female musicians on his list, whose shroud of mystery could often be used in place of any actual justification, I have long been a big enough Brody Dalle fan to have learned a fair bit about her over the years.

And a lot of it hasn't been very pretty.

For starters, she left home at 13, lied about her age to Tim Armstrong when the two of them first got together (telling him that she was 18 when in fact she was 16 - he was 30…)  After their rocky marriage and even messier divorce came the whole Josh Homme situation (he wasn't exactly single when they started seeing each other).  On top of that, she's done practically every drug known to man (heroin being her weapon of choice) and at the peak of her punk rock days, she felt a sick need to keep up with and be considered one of the guys (her pre-show warm up included an entire bottle of vodka and smoking a pack of cigarettes) which would often lead her to being blackout drunk, and doing (even by her own admission) some pretty stupid things.

Not exactly the type of person one should have a Lady Crush on then, right?  Well, luckily I can save some face with the knowledge that almost all of this was prior to 2004, and in the subsequent years, becoming a mother and disbanding The Distillers has lead to a much more tame and gentle Brody Dalle.

But tame and gentle are not what this crush is about at all.  In fact, seeing that this crush was formed during the peak of her 'bad girl' days, there must have been something pretty great so that not only did I look past her unsavoury behaviour, but I even managed to form a mighty crush in spite of it all.  Which means it could only be one thing right?  The one thing that is inherent to all my Man and Lady Crushes: Brody must be absolutely hilarious.

But she's not.

Even though that seems to be the key ingredient in winning me over, and the only thing that could make me turn a blind eye to such unpleasant behaviour, it's just not the case.  While she may not be completely humourless, she's not exactly cracking a whole lot of jokes either.   But, what else could it be?  What did Tony Jaa and Hakeem Olajuwon have that made them rise above the rest, despite lacking any outwardly apparent sense of humour?

Well the answer is simple: they were both completely badass.  Tony Jaa as a martial artist and Hakeem as an absolute basketball freak.  The Distillers were (and still are) one of my favourite bands ever, and it stands to reason that the driving force behind them had to be absolutely, undeniably, 100% badass as well.  And Brody was certainly that.  Sure, it may have lead to a few of the aforementioned missteps along the way, but I would still argue that it's much more difficult to make these lists on the sole basis of being a badass than it is to make it for having a good sense of humour.  Too many people 'try too hard', and as such the ones that really are true badasses are few and far between.  So, for all the Brody's out there, know that your badassedness alone will always earn you a place in my mighty man heart.

Proof of Awesomeness:

Lady Crush #11: Tina Fey

Best Known For: 30 Rock

Saturday Night Live isn't funny.  It hasn't been for a long, long time.  So me listing head writer for SNL as justification for Tina Fey's spot on this list is akin to the New Jersey Nets bragging that they drafted Yinka Dare as justification that they are a well managed team (I know it's in poor taste to speak ill of the dead, but seriously, I remember in high school being intrigued by the fact that he had never recorded a single assist in his first two and a half seasons in the league, and also running to school, genuinely excited to discuss the big news with my friends the morning after he finally did…)

That said: Head Writer at Saturday Night Live.  It's still nothing to sneeze at. 

Besides, it became moot once 30 Rock took off, and established itself as arguably the funniest show on television.  And, while I'm not one of the people making that argument, it's still easily in the Top 5.  Add Mean Girls to the writing credits, and the body of work starts to look pretty impressive.

But this list isn't just about who can write successful television shows or movies.  Obviously Ms. Fey needs a few more merits to justify having been placed so high on this list, right?  Well, once again, I don't really have them.  She just seems cool.  Self-Deprecating humour always wins me over, and Ms. Fey is definitely one that's willing to have the joke be at her expense.  But, like a few of the names on this list already, I'm pretty much just going with my gut on this one.

Basically, it boils down to this: I would like to think that if Tina Fey had gone to my high school in 1997, she would have found Yinka Dare just as funny as me, and on that glorious morning in February, when he became the NBA's record holder for most consecutive minutes played without a decisive pass (0 assists, 73 turnovers) she would have been gathered at my locker ready to mock a rich man's incompetence.

Of course, as thrilled as I was the day Mr. Dare finally chalked up his first assist, I probably would have been more happy to actually have a girl hanging out at my locker in high school.  But that's besides the point…

Proof of Awesomeness:

Lady Crush #12: Maja Ivarsson

Best Known For: The Sounds

I can't quite put my finger on it - the difference between the front man of a band as opposed to the front woman.  I like plenty of bands; many of them fronted by men, and just as many fronted by women.  Yet, looking back on my Man Crush List, only 2 out of the 25 are known first and foremost as musicians (three if you count Jemaine, whom I only exclude, because I think of him as a comedian first and an actor/musician second).  In contrast, we're 4 names into this list, and so far half of them have been musicians...

...and there's no sign of that trend slowing down any time soon.

So why then do most male musicians come off as kind of douchey whereas most female musicians strike me as fairly badass?  (Obviously I'm referring to within the genres of music that I like here, and not the decidedly un-badass nature of the ladies that litter the Top 40 landscape…) Is it because you have to be kind of badass to succeed in a male dominated industry?  Is it because there's something inherently cool about a chick that can hang with the dudes?  I don't really know. 

But I like it.

Which brings us to The Sounds (and by extension, Ms. Ivarsson).  There's just something about their New Wave, Blondie-inspired, post-punk revival, synth-laden sound that won me over from day one.  It doesn't seem like it would be the type of music that I would enjoy, and yet, I just can't get enough.  They are an impressive 3 for 3 so far with albums that pass the coveted 'put it in and listen to it all the way through without skipping tracks' litmus test (which can't be said for many artists).

And yet, once again, despite my instant Lady Crush, I know very little about Ms. Ivarsson herself.  Ya, she's blonde.  Ya, she's Swedish.  Ya, she has an interesting sound.  But can a whole Lady Crush be based solely around that?

Yes.

And do you know why?  Because I like the mystery.  Perhaps if I knew more about her, my Lady Crush would fade away.  Perhaps it is the intrigue that keeps my interest piqued. 

And just maybe that's why I have Lady Crushes on more front women than I do on front men.  The fellas are a dime a dozen, whereas the ladies are few and far between.  So, when they do rise to the top, when they can command a stage and have an entire audience eating out of the palm of their hand, it stands to reason that you're fascinated by them.  You want to know more.

I feel that I know all that I need to know about most guy musicians, but I am left constantly intrigued by the ladies.  I guess it's as simple as that.

Proof of Awesomeness:

Lady Crush #13: Isla Fisher

Best Known For: Wedding Crashers

There's two kinds of comedic actresses in Hollywood: There's the ones that do comedies, and the ones that do romantic comedies.  I tend to prefer the former over the latter.  By a fairly large margin.

It's not that the ladies that stick to romantic comedies aren't good at what they do.  Far from it.  It's just that they don't really come off as genuinely funny people.  I mean, if you were at a dinner party with the stars of the top grossing comedies of the year (romantic comedies included) chances are you wouldn't be hanging around Jennifer Aniston and Katherine Heigl if you were looking to have a good laugh.

They know how to pick a script that they can deliver on, sure, and you can't blame them for playing to their strengths and cashing an easy pay cheque.  But rarely do these scripts rise above the usual cliche riddled affairs.  And never could these scripts be confused as anything but a safe bet.

Which is why I like ladies like Isla Fisher.  Even though they aren't always that much better than the romantic comedies that I just finished slagging, I appreciate the fact that she wants to be in real comedies.  Sure, there aren't a lot of roles like that out there in Hollywood, but that makes it even more admirable that she hasn't just thrown in the towel and resorted to the easy romantic lead route.

Hot Rod wasn't great (although it had it's moments) and I've seen worse movies than Definitely, Maybe (which was dangerously close to Romantic Comedy territory).  But I dug Wedding Crashers, and although it wasn't a comedy, I loved the shit out of The Lookout.

I put guys on my Man Crush List for less.  Plus, I mean, if you're married to Sasha Baron Cohen, chances are that you have a sense of humour.  You'd have to.

Proof of Awesomeness:

Lady Crush #14: Anna Faris

Best Known For:  The Scary Movie films. (although the term 'films' makes them sound much more classy than they were...)

I struggled to do write ups for some of the guys on my Man Crush list, sure. But out of the 25 that I ended up doing, I only really had a hard time coming up with 3 or maybe 4 of them. Sometimes you just can't put your finger on why you like someone. Maybe you just get a good vibe off them, but can't really explain or argue to a skeptic the tangible things that make them worthy of your Man Love. Other times it just seems obvious, and you feel like 'well, of course I like this person, everyone does, why should I just rehash the reasons that seem so obvious?' Other times it might just be plain old writer's block.

With that in mind, struggling to come up with an interesting (I hope) write up for a mere 12 - 20% of the list is not a bad number.

So why then, am I struggling for a second straight week to come up with anything to say about this week's Lady Crush? I'm 0 for 2. I'd have to go 12 for 13 on the rest of the list just to maintain the same percentage that I did on the Man Crush write ups, and just doing a quick glance down the rest of the list, I'm not sure that I will.

The purpose of the Lady Crush list is to be the exact equivalent of the Man Crush list, the only difference being the lack of a Y chromosome. So why am I struggling so much more to describe my Man Love for these decidedly cool ladies, when for the most part it came easily for the fellas?

I think the problem is physical attraction. It didn't come into play for the Man Crush list (despite what some of you might think…) and it's not supposed to factor in for the ladies either. I would like to say that I look at the list objectively enough that it honestly doesn't. But it must. It almost has to.

And maybe it should.

I mean, the age old theory is that good looking people often didn't need to develop a personality because people lavished them with all the positive attention they could ever need from just their physical traits alone. Whereas people that aren't given the same attention, due to whatever perceived flaws that they may have, often end up developing an interesting personality or a sense of humour to compensate.

So then shouldn't someone that by all accounts shouldn't have a personality or sense of humour - but does - be ranked higher than someone that didn't face the same so-called societal hurdle? Not that most people would consider being born attractive a 'hurdle' per se, but for the sake of personality development, I would say it most certainly is.

I guess that the reason it's affecting these write ups is because A. I don't want to admit to you, my dear reader, that I find a 'platonic lady crush' to be attractive as well as awesome, less you accuse me of having a conflict of interest in my rankings. And B. I almost don't want to admit it to myself that it might have swayed my decision. It makes me more self conscious - that perhaps I am just another chauvinistic male - and that by factoring in the person's good looks, I'm not simply saying that they're awesome, but rather that they're only awesome …for a hot chick.  It's almost like saying 'Larry Bird was good at basketball… for a white guy' rather than 'Larry Bird is one of the five greatest players to ever play.'

Which he is.

So what about Anna Faris? Yes, I find her attractive. I've grown enough over the course of this post to admit it. But, despite not having anything tangible to write here in order to prove it (aside from a basic hunch), I still feel like she is awesome.

And not just '...for a hot chick'.

Proof of Awesomeness:


(That PoA was a joke by the way.  There is no way the word 'awesomeness' should ever be associated with that 3D turd.  It might look even worse than the Marmaduke movie.  Ok.  Nothing looks that bad, but still...)

We have a... winner?

Drumroll please...



And there you have it.  The winner of the first ever Travis' Blog Anniversary Contest of Awesomeness.

If I'm honest, i do kind of wish that someone else had won this thing.  It feels like I already bend to Randy's will enough on this blog as is.  But fair's fair.  So congratulations 'R.S.'  Your prize should arrive within the 4 to 8 week time window specified in the contest rules.  It is now entirely up to you whether or not you want to reveal to the rest of the blog reading public what the prize turned out to be.

(and no, the prize was not those stellar graphic presets that I used from LiveType... those were a gift for everyone.)

Lady Crush #15: Karen O

Best Known For:  Yeah Yeah Yeahs front-man (err... woman)

You know that movie The Bucket List?  Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, dying of cancer, setting out to do a list of stuff they missed out on in life before they die?   Well, prior to it's release I'd never even heard the term 'bucket list' before, and now it comes up all the time.  I'm not sure if its always been around and I just hadn't noticed it before, or if the filmmakers impressively coined a term that is now a part of modern vernacular despite the fact it was spawned from a mediocre-at-best buddy movie. Regardless of it's origins, my love of lists has lead to a few bucket lists of my own having been created. 

And I never even saw the movie.

One of the most prominent lists that I've toyed with the idea of is that of the Concert Going Bucket List.  Bands that I feel I need to see live in concert before I shuffle off this mortal coil.  This is different from concerts I'd simply like to see if they were coming through town, or concerts I wish I could see, but obviously due to bands breaking up or the death of significant members, could never happen.  No, this is a list of bands that I will try my damnedest to see at some point during my lifetime (the sooner the better, as it's a tough thing to achieve once a band has broken up or significant members have died...), even if this means buying a plane ticket for that sole purpose.  And obviously, not being a particularly wealthy man (nor a flight attendant) the number of bands that I am willing to do this for should be (and is) quite small.

In fact, as of today, the list sits at 3.  The Strokes, The Sounds and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Which brings us to Karen O.  If I'm honest, besides really liking her band, I don't know that much about her. You might think that this would go against the whole reasoning behind this list, and yet, I stand by my decision wholeheartedly.  Sure, this isn't meant to be a list of my favourite bands, but I think it still stands to reason that I would develop a Lady Crush on the woman that is the face of one of them.  The Yeah Yeah Yeahs are awesome.  So, Karen O must be too.

My first exposure was a little ditty called Gold Lion.  It didn't melt my face off and leave my world a different place then it was before I had heard it.  But it was a good, catchy tune.   Shortly thereafter came the release of a highly anticipated little video game called Rock Band, which featured their song Maps.  Seeing that they were now 2 for 2 in my eyes, a thorough listening of the 2 albums that had been released to that point was in order.  By the time It's Blitz dropped, it didn't even need to win me over.  It only served to confirm what I already knew:

I was in love with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Even when they release something that from the outset isn't really my usual style of music (ie: Heads Will Roll), somehow it's still gobbled up like a bag of Jalapeno Cheddar potato chips left unattended in front of Randy.  And at the forefront of the band's awesomeness is front-woman extraordinaire Karen O.  She's a rock star in every sense of the word.  Oozing a unique style all her own, and winning over my mighty man-heart at every turn.

Sure I don't know much about her.  But that might be part of her mystique.  As such, she sits proudly at the Number 15 of this list.

Proof of Awesomeness:

The Top 15 Platonic Female Lady Crushes

I know what you're thinking.  It's 2010.  Women can vote.  And drive cars.  They get equal pay.  You can't pinch their ass and call them 'Sugar tits' when they walk by you in the office anymore.  You don't even have to let them go first into the lifeboats.  It's every man, woman and child for themselves.  Essentially, we live in a society of gender equality.

So how could I have the audacity to list only 15 women as my definitive Platonic Lady Crushes, when the men got 25?  Do I need to attend a gender sensitivity seminar?  Do I need to walk a mile in their no-longer-high-heeled shoes?

No.

Because it's not my fault, ladies, it's yours.  There's just not enough of you that merit a spot on this list*.  And I refuse to water down the quality of such a prestigious guide for any man. 

Or woman.

So here we go.  The Top 15 Platonic Female Lady Crushes.  Similar to the Hetero Man Crush List, looks don't really factor in.  Only awesomeness.  That doesn't mean there won't be some good looking gals on this list, but the physical part of the equation will not have any baring on a lady's position within the list.  It's all very scientific.  Trust me.

*ok, my list actually went to 25, but we were starting to get to the fringes of what I would consider a true Lady Crush, so I decided to go with 15 instead.  The cream of the crop.  Well, that, and I'm lazy...

We Made It!!

Today (well, tomorrow technically, but I don't post on Saturdays...) marks the One Year Anniversary of this little experimental exercise in self-importance and indulgence.  To celebrate this momentous occasion (as well as surpassing the 40th blog entry landmark) I am feeling in somewhat of a generous mood.

Although this blog is the greatest gift I could ever bestow on the world, my charitable spirit can't just leave it at that.  So I present to you, my dear readers, the first (and possibly last) ever:

Travis' Blog Anniversary Contest of Awesomeness

How does it work, you ask?  Well, simply post the following information in the comments section of this post:

Your First Name
Your Last Name
Your Personal #1 Man Crush

The contest closes on October 12, 2010 at 10:00am MST at which point all eligible entries will be placed in a random draw to determine the winner.  The winner will be announced shortly thereafter, on this very blog.  The contest is limited to one entry per person.  The Grand Prize item will be delivered within 4 to 8 weeks of the winning announcement.

Good Luck.

(ps: yes, I purposely didn't announce what the prize actually is.  It's a surprise...)

Man Crush After Math Part II

Ok, only a few more loose ends to tie up and then I can finally stop relying on this Man Crush crutch and actually come up with something else to write about on this Blog.  Don't get too excited though, it's probably just going to be more lists.

Speaking of which…

The Guys That Society Tells Me I Shouldn't Like, But I Kinda Do Anyways Top 5.  These are guys that aren't quite Man Crushes, but I still kind of have a soft spot for.  Guys that it's not really socially acceptable to be a fan of, but I am anyways.  These aren't honourable mentions, or really even Man Crushes, per se.  But I felt they deserved someone to stick up for them, and I felt that that someone should be me.


#5: Jay Leno
I don't like Leno's show.  Let me just clear that up right here and now.  The Tonight Show is definitely a last resort for me when it comes to late night television viewing.  Obviously Leno took his lumps during the whole Conan fiasco; Conan was the guy that the young and hip sided with, and Leno was the heartless dinosaur that stole his job back by having the audacity to get better ratings (although yes, I mostly sided with Conan at the time as well).  Granted, Leno's 'safe' style of humour that seems to draw the red state viewers in droves isn't exactly great... but it isn't terrible either.  So, is accepting your old job back so you can make millions of dollars doing what you love again really that heinous of an offense?  No.  Not really.

So even though I don't care for Leno's show or his style of humour, I still think he got a bit of a bum rap in the whole Conan vs NBC drama, when really it was the NBC executives to blame for handling things so poorly.  That said, just being able to defend his flaws isn't reason enough for me to semi-like him.  No.  The reason that he's on this list is simple:  Leno might very well be the greatest 'car guy' on the planet.  His collection is astoundingly impressive, and the whole operation that he runs out of his garage is beyond awesome.  He has done exactly what I would do if I had the bankroll that he has, and when that's the case, then a man is legitimately deserving of my respect and partial man-love.
Proof of Semi-Awesomeness

#4: Tom Cruise

I've said my piece on Scientology already, so there's no need to start repeating myself with another long-winded diatribe about it's lesser qualities.  Obviously Tom Cruise is one of the first names you think of when that so-called religion is mentioned, and when you find someone's entire belief system to be unfathomably stupid, it's hard to say that you respect them.  But I do.  Tom Cruise is really good at what he does.  He makes damn good movies and knocks his roles out of the park on a consistent basis.  He does a lot of his own stunts, particularly motorcycling ones (MI:2 and Knight and Day), and from everything I've ever heard or read, people say that he's one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet in Hollywood.

Obviously he's been in a PR free-fall ever since he took to Oprah's couch, but I'm going to stand by him anyways.  His movies entertain me, and really, who is he hurting with his vocal support of Scientology?  Most people know to just tune him out when he starts into those spiels anyways, and I can almost respect (there's that word again) someone that is so passionate about something they believe in.  Even if it is complete horse shit.
Proof of Semi-Awesomeness

#3: Leonardo DiCaprio
Just another pretty-boy Hollywood actor.  A guy that only dates supermodels and is most famous for his role in the biggest chick-flick of all time (no, not Shutter Island… the one with the boat).  So it stands to reason that he should be hated by everyone with a Y chromosome.  And yet, here we are.  Similar to the previous name on this list, it's obvious that a good body of work can often make up for any perceived short-comings.  And as an actor, Leo rarely leads you astray. 

Plus, he sits court-side at most Laker games, which, after Leno's Car Collection, is the next thing I would do if I was suddenly in possession of their healthy bank accounts.  Well, maybe not Laker games… I'm not ready to sell my soul that thoroughly just yet (although Kobe was pretty close to making this list as well).
Proof of Semi-Awesomeness

#2: Justin Timberlake

Boy Band.  Those two words alone should make his name on this list completely inexcusable.  Britney Spears (the ridiculous 2001 version), Alyssa Milano, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel… just 4 more bullet points of jealousy to add to the 'indefensible' argument.  In fact, if I may so bold as to lay a pretty heinous pun on you: on paper this entry seems damn near… unjustifiable.  Get it?  Because his first solo album was called Justified?  Because his name is Justin… ah, never mind.

In spite of all this, I like Justin Timberlake.  He seems like a pretty funny guy, willing to poke fun at himself, and seems to appreciate the position that he's in.  Most of the things that he does are the same things that any guy in his mid-twenties would do given the same circumstances.  And I hate to say it, but my toe will often start tapping every now and then when a catchy tune comes up on the radio that has been penned by the one they call JT.  Which, as far as nicknames go, is just more fodder for the 'unforgivable' argument that seems to be a running theme in this entry.
Proof of Semi-Awesomeness

#1: Ben Affleck
Bennifer. Gigli. Reindeer Games. Daredevil. Pearl Harbour.  That terrible Aerosmith Song that was huge because of Armageddon (and I like Aerosmith...)  There are a million reasons to hate Ben Affleck.  And I can only think of one reason why I don't: Kevin Smith.  Maybe I shouldn't put so much stock in one man's word, but he claims Affleck is a really good dude.  And he's told enough stories to make me believe him.  Plus, the more I think about it, aside from some really poor movie choices and one really poor girlfriend choice, what have I ever heard bad about the guy?

Besides (and I don't say this to lessen the value of the number one spot on this list - which it surely will) any excuse to get the famous Sneep ire up in regards to the man he lovingly refers to as 'The Flick' is a win in my books.
Proof of Semi-Awesomeness

Sorry, Sneep.  But I stand by his ranking

To make it up to you for the keyboard you just undoubtedly smashed in anger, let me give you your wish: a ranking of the BMW Films from worst to best.

8. Chosen
7. Ambush
6. Beat the Devil
5. Hostage
4. Star
3. The Follow
2. Powder Keg
1. Ticker

There.  We Cool?
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Man Crush After Math

[Sigh]

I'm going to miss you Man Crush List.  You've been good to me.  Not only have you been a solid source of content for this blog on a weekly basis, but you've also been - dare I say - an enjoyable endeavour. 

That said, I made the list back in March, and while I feel I gave it as much thought as possible at the time, over the course of writing each individual entry it became apparent that the list was a bit flawed.  Some names were higher than they should have been, and others much, much lower.  But I stuck to the list as it had been written, if for no other reason then the sheer difficulty if would have taken to go back and start swapping positions once the posts had already been published.

Of course, now that the last name has been revealed, and I have the luxury of hindsight, I feel I should give you the revised list.  The order I would put the names in if I made the list today.

But first…

Some Honourable Mentions.  These were the names that didn't quite make the cut, but should still be given their proper dues.

HM#1: Bret McKenzie
One of my biggest regrets from the Man Crush List was not giving Bret his rightful place within the Top 25.  For some reason it felt like once I had put one guy from a given show on the list, that I was being redundant by putting anyone else from that show on it - seeing as how the show had already been properly represented.  But that's stupid.  This was not a Top TV Shows list.  It was a Man Crush List.  And I have a Man Crush on Bret McKenzie.  It is a borderline crime against humanity not to have him on the list where he belongs.
Proof of Awesomeness

HM#2: Michael Cera

Everything I just wrote about Bret could be cut and pasted right here.  I stand by my decision to have Will Arnett appear as the face of Arrested Development, but I easily could have tried to find a place for David Cross as well as Mr. Cera.  And not just for Arrested Development either.  David Cross has some great stand up as well as the criminally underrated Mr. Show to hang his hat on, and Michael Cera has more than held his own on the big screen.

Proof of Awesomeness

HM#3: Jack Black
A lot of people are tired of Jack Black.  They think he's a one trick pony, and grew bored with his schtick many, many years ago.  Not me though.  He still brings a smile to my face every time he graces the screen.  I can't argue against the one trick label that has been placed on him, but really, when you think about it, aren't most celebrities?  I know all of my honourable mentions have been thus far.
Proof of Awesomeness

HM#4: Craig Ferguson

If you trace my ancestry, you won't get very far before you realize that I'm pretty much fully Scottish.  My dad was born and lived there until he was 8, and my mom's side of the family is only a generation or two off the boat.  I don't know if this has anything to do with why I'm so endeared by Scots, but as it stands, Craig Ferguson might be my favourite late night host on television.  Sure, Conan made the Top 25 and Craig didn't.  But that's simply because Conan has been making me laugh for longer.  If his new show doesn't pan out, and Craig keeps doing what he's doing, this time next year Mr. Ferguson might be the sole late night host to grace the 25.

Proof of Awesomeness

HM#5: Charley Boorman
It's no secret that I love The Long Way Round.  Heck, Randy and I even paid pretty decent homage to it once.  Sure, a lot of my love for Long Way could be attributed to both my affection toward motorcycles and my love of traveling (and Ewan certainly didn't hurt either) but a big component of it was definitely Charley.  Not enough to get him in the Top 25, but enough to earn him this well deserved Honourable Mention.
Proof of Awesomeness


Other Honourable Mentions:
Kevin Spacey, Rhys Darby, Charles Barkley, Will Ferrell and Bill Simmons.


And now that that's out of the way, I present to you the revised Top 25 (previous position in brackets):

25 Tony Jaa (24)
24 Ryan Reynolds (17)
23 Gerard Butler (16)
22 Gord Downie (18)
21 Jeremy Clarkson  (25)
20 Conan O'Brien (15)
19 Robert Downey Jr (13)
18 Adam Baldwin (14)
17 Bret McKenzie (--)
16 Will Arnett (19)
15 Christopher Walken (22)
14 Bill Murray (20)
13 Matt Damon (12)
12 Nathan Fillion 11)
11 Trey and Matt (21)
10 Jason Statham (10)
9 Jason Lee (8)
8 Clive Owen (9)
7 Adam Carolla (7)
6 Jemaine Clement (6)
5 Jackie Chan (4)
4 Kevin Smith (3)
3 Ewan McGregor (2)
2 Dave Grohl (5)
1 Steve Nash (1)
.

#1: Steve Jobs

Best Known For: CEO of Apple

We all bow to his glory, as he rains down product after brilliant product upon us mere mortals.  He always gives the end consumer exactly what they want, and never holds back features or restricts user access.  Like any good CEO, he understands that his company was built on being the alternative to the larger monopoly, and he would never turn around and suddenly start acting worse than that evil empire which he was trying to topple once he had his foot in the door. 

Not one single person blindly follows him, assuming his products are without flaw or fault.  No, his herd of tech-savvy sheep are intelligent enough to question him at every turn, and make sure that his products truly are better than the alternative prior to laying down their hard earned cash.

And of course, most importantly, because of him I can finally start to wear my black turtleneck sweaters with pride once more.

Steve Jobs truly is greatness personified, and I would be remiss if I didn't... B-ah, I can't keep up this ruse.  No, Steve Jobs is not Number 1.  I was just kidding, Hoff. Didn't mean to hassle you...

And although I have been known to drink the Apple Kool-aid more than I care to admit, there's just simply no way that Mr. Jobs could top this prestigious list.  But... that's not to say that it won't be a different Steve.  In fact, it's time to get down to the brass tax of revealing the most obvious Number 1 in the history of lists.  Cue the anti-climatic drum roll please...
.

Man Crush #1: Steve Nash

Best known as: Point Guard for the Phoenix Suns

I love basketball.

And, before you go dismissing this statement as my usual overwrought hyperbole, know that I strongly believe that 'love' is a very overused and under-appreciated word.  Heck, I've probably used it more than I should already over the course of this silly Man Crush Countdown.  But, I assure you, even knowing that with each use the word is devalued a little bit more, I stand by this statement wholeheartedly:

I love basketball.

There has been no greater source of joy or frustration in my life.  I've tried - and failed - many times to put my love of basketball into words.  And long ago I concluded that it just simply cannot be done.  There's no tangible thing that I can say to make someone understand how great the game truly is.  You either 'get it' or you don't.  You either love it or you don't.

And I do.

Although, I will admit, not as much as I used to.  From 1995 to 2000 you could easily describe my feelings toward basketball as a borderline obsession.  And I couldn't argue.  It was.  I would spend every chance I got playing.  After school, during school, evenings, weekends, holidays.  You name it.  Even at school dances (when school dances were a choice between attending the dance or doing work in the classroom, of course you'd choose the dance, but we'd spend the entire time pulling down balloons and playing basketball with them on the hoops that had been folded against the wall).

If the gym was open to play in during lunch hour, I didn't eat, would head straight to the gym, play for as long as I could, leaving just enough time to grab my books and get to my next class.  This would leave me having to then try to find time to scarf down my lunch between periods, and, since the time it took to shower after playing was 5 minutes that could be better spent on the court, I'm sure I looked like a sweaty mess and stunk something fierce for the remainder of the day as well.  Needless to say, the ladies loved me.

But I didn't care.  I could make up for the lost time with the ladies once I got to the NBA.  Which, while I didn't really consider this as a possibility, I also didn't not consider it a possibility.  What can I say? I was young and naïve.

That's not to say my world came crashing down the day I realized that I did not (and never would) have what it took to play at a higher level, but I still remember the moment of this realization very vividly.  It was at the 1997 NBA Hoop It Up 3 on 3 Tournament.  Each year they would have a guest come out, and usually it was a player in the NBA.  This particular year it was a young man named Steve Nash.  Now at this point in time I could tell you almost anything about the NBA.  History.  Stats.  Rosters.  You name it.  So I knew who Steve Nash was, but I didn't know who Steve Nash was.  Yet.

All you really need to know about my Nash love is this: not only did I create the above clip, but in spite of it's inherently creepy nature, it still brings a smile to my face every time I listen to it.

All I really knew was that he was  one of the three Canadian players in the league at the time (along with Rick Fox and three-time NBA World Champion Bill Wennington) and that he was the third string point guard on the Phoenix Suns (behind Jason Kidd and Kevin Johnson).  As such, I kind of assumed he wasn't very good.  Granted Jason Kidd was one of the best young point guards in the world at the time, and Kevin Johnson was still winding down his brilliant career, but I thought that if you were the back up to the back up you couldn't have been that great.

And then I sat down to watch his skills clinic…

Leo Rautins was on the microphone, breaking it down about the many faucets of the game, and Steve simply tried to demonstrate whatever the given topic happened to be.  The dribbling was crisp and pure, sure, but my jaw wasn't on the floor or anything… until they started talking about shooting.  And, just so you know, I say this without exaggeration: I don't think he missed a single shot during the entire demonstration.  3's, free throws, jump shots, it didn't matter.  Every shot he took went in.  I had never seen anything like it before in my life.  It was in that 10 minute stretch, as my mouth sat agape with disbelief that I knew I would never play in the NBA.  If the third best point guard on a marginal playoff team was that good, then I would never stand a chance.

But aside from pulling my head out of the clouds, it was also the moment that Steve Nash was officially 'on my radar'.  Shortly afterward he was traded to the Dallas Mavericks, and my excitement grew, as they already featured one of my favourite players in the league at the time - Michael Finley.  And although Steve's production went up now that he had a starting job, he still hadn't done much to elevate himself above the legions of good players in the league.  And then came the 2000 Sidney Olympics.  With maybe the exception of Manu Ginobili in 2004*, I have never bore witness to a performance like the one Nash put on that summer.  The heart, passion and flat out ability that he displayed during that unexpected run was unbelievable.  By the time the tears had dried from his eyes after that heart-wrenching post-loss interview, he had earned a new fan for life.

Sure, Hakeem Olajuwon made this list on basketball abilities alone, so it stands to reason that Nash could as well.  But Number 1?  There must be more to it than that.  I mean, he wasn't even born in Canada, so it's not entirely a patriotic thing - although he's been here since he was 18 months old, so he's still a true Canadian in my eyes.  No, in the end it comes down to him just being an honestly good person, and a fun lovin' and funny dude.  But maybe most importantly of all, in a league where the superstars are brash and cocky, he is not.  Instead he's modest to a fault.  Genuinely humble.

And you won't find too many other humble 2-time League MVP's.

Proof of Awesomeness:

*Obviously the Nash performance is closer to my heart as it was for Team Canada, but I did almost buy a Ginobili Argentina jersey after watching him during 2004.  I still think the Nash performance was better, but it gets swept a little under the rug in the annuls of Olympic History as they failed to advance past the quarterfinals whereas Ginobili won gold, and it was the first time that anyone besides the USA had done so since allowing NBA players to compete in 1992.  Which was a pretty big deal.

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